dance my days away

refrain.

2007-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna try to refrain from using the word happy. it's a new year. not necessarily a happy one though.

my new year resolution.
get good results for As.
study.
study more.
study even more.
bboy.

that's basically it.
but i think some people need new year resolutions.
and far more drastic resolutions.
council needs a new year resolution.
one along the lines of
improve communication system
stop being such a last minute bitch.

and i know i'm probably gonna get screwed when school reopens.
for not attending facils camp.
but what the heck.
7:30pm.
that's the time i was informed.
the night before!
to report the next day at what? 8am?
not too smart i suppose.
and if you're gonna tell me that everyone else managed to make it
and so i have no reason not to.
i'm gonna say that's wack.
some of my friends could make it
and they told me they heard about the camp 3 days before.
i don't see any sms telling me about the camp 3 days before.
not even 2 days before.
and some people could make it even though they were informed a day in advance.
so i still dont have a good enough reason to not make it eh.
well, for one, i have a life.
i'm not a robot that answers immediately every time you push a button.
neither am i a person that breaks promises and personal agreements
that have already been made many days in advance.
maybe some people need to ask themselves
whether it's logical or even rational to inform people of a camp a day in advance.

some parts of my life this year have been screwed up.
others parts have really been worth remembering.

and so here's a survey i got from friendster.

2006 is almost over, answer this survey to go over it.

**
IN 2006...

1. If you could give just one word for 06 what would it be?
* hot-cold

2. What are your favorite memories of 06?
* bboying

3. From 1-10 how would you rate this year?
* 1. for council life. 10 for bboying with close friends.

4. If you could change one thing about '06 what would it be?
* promos. should have studied harder.

5. If you could rewind back to one moment in 2006, what would it be?
* a few hours ago. breaking with the usual peeps. fun as hell.

FRIENDS:

1. Did you make any new friends?
* few. but it'll do. i think i can even count them on my fingers.

2. Do you think any of your friends have changed?
* yes. and don't wish to talk about it.

3. Do you still have the same friends you had in the beginning of the year?
* you win some you lose some.

4. Who would you say was your best friend overall this year?
* desmond.

5. Who are your CLOSEST friends?
* the bboys - linus, joseph, desmond, sean. ex-cca mates kian long, zhi wei.

**

LIFE:

1. Do you have any regrets for this year?
* plenty. and i dont with the rake them up.

2. Has a lot changed in your life?
* definitely. i wouldnt be thinking of bboying last year.

3. Do you think you have changed?
* maybe a bit. but there are many philosophies i still live by.

4. Do you have a New Years resolution? What is it?
* do darn well for A Levels. duh!

i'm gonna miss having many bboying sessions. school reopens = more studying less bboying. maybe only on tuesdays. farhan lessons.

goodbye 2006.
hello 2007.

i managed to refrain from using 'happy'. hopefully i can refrain from playing computer games and bboying too much next year (or rather... NOW!).

wack.

2006-12-19T00:00:00.000+08:00

fuyo showhand jam.
i screwed up pretty badly.
lesson learnt.
never break 14 days in a row.

that's why today i took a break and went out with the usual gang.
watched eragon.
it's so... cliche.
that's what happens when you turn a fantasy novel into a movie.
and not to mention a fantasy novel written by a 16 year old.
plenty of movies to watch out for next year though.
pirates 3, spiderman 3.

we were thinking of reviving the laugh at kian blog.
especially after kian's many LAK moments as we would call it.
like... how kian tried to describe water skiing by calling it
the flying fox on water with his arms gesticulating how you would ride a motorcycle.
quite retarded.
and you know how carrefour at ps has mini packets of chips in between the inclined travellators.
kian threw the mini packets around the mid-section area where the chips were supposed to be.
one packet accidentally fell out onto the opposite side where the travellator was moving in the opposite direction.
kian ran. retard.
too many hilarious incidents today.
miss the good old days.

hopefully i can get a new laptop soon.
oooh! exciting! =P

step it up.

2006-12-09T23:30:00.000+08:00

saw the most disgusting christmas decor on the way home.

ouch!

anyway. today was step it up 2006. ftc won. it was a close final battle against fuyo.

whoo. quite cool. my first step it up. and the first time i entered cyphers. scaaaary.

cypher battle against lizard and then small alex. was pretty nervous but it was exciting!

next week there's fuyo's showhand jam!

and finally, linus is back but desmond will be disappearing.

i know you got soul!

nights.

2006-12-03T21:00:00.000+08:00

over the past few days, i've successfully attended two prom nights. tpjc's (because i work at the ritz) and cjc's (cos of council). sorry but i just cant help but compare.

firstly, venue.
for one of the proms, the venue was 3 times the size of the other.
keeping in mind an approximately equal amount of people,
i think one of the prom's was a little more "action-packed"

secondly, emcee.
for one of the proms, class 95 dj rod montero was the emcee.
for the other, it was some unknown guy that talks too much.

thirdly, people.
for one of the proms, the people voted seriously for prom king and queen.
for the other, i have no idea how some of them even became nominees.
i don't even wanna mention if the winners were deserving or not.
i don't think i'm in the position to.

i can go on comparing.
food, attire, operating procedures etc.

oh well, but i guess i'm not in the position to say too much.
i guess the council did a good job for cj's grad night.
it was pretty glam considering the limitations.

most importantly, i want pics! =P

8:09pm an improvement

2006-11-28T00:00:00.000+08:00

well i just received an sms about council meeting tmr. how wonderful. to be informed of a meeting the night before. not too smart especially when i've made plans. and not to mention that my holidays are packed full of activities. if you're gonna tell me about a meeting a night before, it won't be enough for me to make the necessary scheduling.

at least sji-sjab has requested for my services more than a week ago. even maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago. farhan classes are on tuesdays. now that i'm working, that adds on to the night activities. usually happens on fridays and weekends. but also on wednesday for this week.

so just in case you're planning some last minute meeting or some event for me. i'm not available on weekdays 6am to 2pm (6am to 12pm on wednesdays and thursdays). not free on tuesdays and sometimes fridays. not free on weekends. so basically monday would be the best day to throw me some shit to do.

oh and the bolded 'last minute' above means like anything less than 2 days.

and for some who say i'm wasting a lot of time dancing, firstly, i'm not wasting time, secondly, i've got very little time to dance as compared to the june hols. so stop saying i'm not bothering about anything else in my life except for dancing.

ah screw i just realised thursday is grad night. and apparently we have to report at 2pm?!

shit shit shit. dilemmas dilemmas more dilemmas. never expected the hols to be so much more stressful.

anyway, i guess people would probably tell me not to talk so much if i aint got any good suggestions. well, for one i suggest that the big people up there from whatever organisation should inform everyone of meetings a lot earlier if possible. it'll also be best if there are fixed meeting dates and if there isnt anything to meet about, inform people of "no meeting" rather than "meeting tmr". that would make scheduling a lot easier for a lot of people i guess.

i've still got many many suggestions, they're all up here in my head. don't wanna spill em all out here. it'll ruin my franchise. =P

oh and some people might say that it's my responsibility to attend the meetings and all. well, here's an analogy. i don't think you'll be too happy a worker if your boss tells you on friday night you've got to come to work the next day. and if you say that's too bad it's an obligation for me. then perhaps you're right, but the problem lies in it happenning more than once.

gosh i still have got to wake up at 6:45 tmr morning for training.

i've got too many activities. dont tell me to give up dance. it's like asking me to give up money. and if you say i'm illogical, maybe in a few months time i can be earning some money dancing okay. and if you tell me to stop working, wont you be telling me to give up money as well. i'm not being materialistic here, i'm being realistic by trying to be self-sufficient during the hols so my parents dont hit the roof when my sister spends loads on clothes and when the pub bill goes up (which my mom was complaining about an hour ago.) not to mention how my family needs cash. (trying having your mom requesting money from you. doesnt sound too everyday huh.) so if you're thinking of how money faced i can get, think again please.

okay enough ranting. i can go on forever rationalising why i might seem so rebellious to certain things.

time to sleep before i collapse of exhaustion tmr. try getting home at around 2am for two nights after working for over 6 hours without water, without sitting, and with a whole lot of carrying extremely large heavy trays and shifting tables. oh well, but who am i to complain huh.

stupid schedules, stupid screwed up situations. maybe that's why i value promises much more than meetings and upholding official activities. they're all so impersonal. promises are much more personal and so much more worth upholding. screw those hectic schedules.

weight

2006-11-27T01:28:00.001+08:00

working at the ritz reminded me of something.
you may be able to hold a glass of water easily.
but the longer you hold it the heavier it gets.
it's actually true.
try carrying a tray of glasses of soft drinks.
the first few minutes you're okay.
after that you're screwed.
hahaha! heavy shit!

well, at least i'm a little bit richer.

tender loving care

2006-11-19T23:00:00.000+08:00

went to dover park hospice yesterday. inspired.
"although we cannot add days to their lives,
we can add life to their days."
beautiful.

pump up the volume.

2006-11-17T22:00:00.000+08:00

someone said help was going to the wrong people. =P
agreed.

went to the gala premiere of casino royale at vivocity with the few retarded people you see above you in the pic. desmond, linus, joseph, sean. haha. we had a bit of fun on the mrt. the last train to depart from the station.

never gonna watch late night shows again,
even if it was free like this one.
me and joe had to cab home,
cos the last train from outram had left the station.
rahh!
expensive midnight charge.

anyway, the movie was supposed to be a charity gala thingy for the singapore children's society. it's the organisation that holds the breakdancing class that i attend. and so we got free tickets to watch the movie. and we figured that the movie was probably for the delinquents that the society is supposed to help. and the free tickets should go to those people who are like "this is the first movie i've been to since forever! i will not steal anymore, no one has ever been so good to me!"-kind of people. but anyhow, we got the free tickets. =P

despite it being the holidays, everyday seems like a school day.
i've got so many things to settle.
there's sjab. i've gonna accomodate the training dates team cancer set. and then start doing training plans. and then there's the hospice cip which i'm going for tomorrow morning. and there's the need to find a job. i need to earn some money during the hols. linus gave a good contact and i guess i'll be interviewing for the job next week. and finally there's council work to be done. like liase with bukit timah hill and dairy farm people. rahh! so so so busy. and there's still a lot of dancing to do!!

we need a crew name!!

i'd like it to be soulful.

dammit. i havent watched step up yet!! and nobody is available. i think by the time i find time, if i have the time to find it, the show will no longer be in theatres. luckily someone invented the vcd and the dvd.

i need to start earning money! why can't money just fall from the sky or be plucked from trees! =P

operation.

2006-11-13T00:00:00.000+08:00

operation sexy shoes.

accomplished!

i've got myself new sexy converse shoes.
to be used for big dancing events only!

i love the colour!
my colour scheme.
red and black.
and maybe a bit of white.

operation weight gain.

nope. not accomplished.
linus, desmond and joseph say "force!"
just force.
cannot eat just force.
eat more chocloates, ice cream.
i hate chocolates.
luckily i have ice cream at home.
eating around 2 each day.
but sadly, to no avail.

operation "believe in fate".

"believe in fate" is a song.
or rather a breakbeat.
i can't find it.
if you've got it, please send it to me!

operation look after the family while dad's overseas.

not too successful.
i've got council tmr morning.
can't buy lunch for the family tmr.
that's gonna be a problem.
no solution as yet.
rahh!

and when my dad leaves,
mom isnt in the right state of mind sometimes.
hopefully everything turns out alright.

ok. operations aside.
today's session was cool!
wore my new shoes for the first time.
not to dance of course.
i brought an extra pair of training shoes.
haha.
session beginning to sound like some cca training.

aaron noticed us today.
and said we were not bad.
i'm happy.
haha.

time to train more.
converse cats!
step it up!

inadequate

2006-11-09T19:00:00.000+08:00

having been back to sji-sjab, i'm indeed shocked.

for one, the standards are indeed dropping.
perhaps i'll make a point, provide an example and then elaborate.
as i said, the standards are terrible.
when i say standards, i mean both ncos and cadets.
ncos are teaching redundant drills.
drills are given on the wrong foot.
ncos do not know their first aid.
ncos show signs of doubt.
cadets are extremely physically weak.
they are rebellious.
lack discipline.
they should go join some read book club.

i do have to say that the sec 3s are not as i remembered them to be.
especially the comp team.
seems like the problems i was afraid might surface, have already surfaced.
the sec 2s are a bigger disappointment.
with the standard they have now and the progress they are making,
i'd say their chances of winning are zero.
even if the best trainers train them,
i'd have my doubts on them being able to even bring home something.
i'm at a loss at how i can help too.

where the lights arent bright.
where everything aint right.

i choose.

2006-11-05T23:07:00.000+08:00

soul criminals!

the heat is on

2006-11-01T21:49:00.000+08:00

soul. style. boogie.

2006-10-30T20:30:00.000+08:00

smub crew in the house. nice nice!

time to chiong more.

i wanna go for step it up too!

flava flava.

2006-10-24T20:00:00.000+08:00

smu basement 1 crew. niiiice.

exams are technically over. pw's a bitch. i don't see the logic of doing pw.
hopefully no one from class gets retained or anything.

alright, time for more spins and drops and what nots.

style.
soul.
flava.

needle and thread

2006-10-19T23:30:00.000+08:00

if you've got a problem with me,
i guess you should just fucking tell it to me,
in my face.
and make sure you specify the problem too.
no point being fucking vague.
would only result in matters unsolved.
can't live with that? then fuck off.

i guess i've never really been so pissed off before.
not in a very long time at least.
but i shan't brood on it.

dance my sorrows and anger away.
best therapy.
and although it may sound so much like an escape,
or a fantasy.
i'll tell you, it's much more real that you can imagine it to be.

and i guess i'll be dropping by sji,
to be involved in sji-sjab.
finally, after so long,
i get to be in contact with my past.
funky.

time away.

2006-10-16T22:30:00.000+08:00

you're freaking me out.
i'm freaking myself out.
i can't take the eccentricity.
i can't stand the irrationality.
what happened to your maturity.

i guess i need time away.
i wanna lead my life proper.
an expected uplift turned to burden.
i don't think i can carry that weight any further.

every lltc experience is different.
yes, this one was a whole big difference.
for starters, i'm now in trouble unless i get my excuse letter.
don't wanna blog about it,
after all, it might jeopardise my position.

i need dance... now.

angsty angsty

2006-10-09T21:00:00.000+08:00

my 123rd entry. i have a fetish for nice funky numbers. haha.

i intended for this to be a happy entry, but i guess that's not possible given my current mood.

i refer back to the 6th october entry.

i need the release.
if only it were as easy as sending a letter of resignation.
if only it were as easy as walking out of a room.
if only it were as easy as disappearing.

i need to password my blog.
only then can i start expressing my thoughts more directly.

there are some things i really cannot stand.
and i'm compelled to correct such wrongs.
but sometimes given my limitations in power and will,
i end up suffering consequences, losses.
blame me for wanting to be some nice guy.
i guess it's some stupidity on my part.
maybe i should remain unaffected.
and just leave things be?

i empathise and support those who deserve it.
today was a good example i guess.

the opposite occurs for those who don't deserve it.
today was a good example i guess.

i can't tolerate some behaviour.
today was a good example i guess.

i enjoy the company of some people.
today was a good example i guess.

ah fuck la. shoot me down.
unproductivity sucks too.

let's see how things go tmr.
it's only been a few days,
and suddenly i'm missing the fun we had.
i need my dancing remedy.

lltc b coming up soon.
i can't wait actually.
i guess i'll miss some breakdancing sessions due to it,
but i guess it'll be worth it.
it's lltc after all.

i'm motivated to dance all of a sudden.
time to rock the beat.

random stuff

2006-10-07T23:00:00.000+08:00

i need whacking power.
i'll start a fk.
and one day,
i shall go afk.

back to trying to be a fk by using whacking power.

layer upon layer

2006-10-06T23:30:00.000+08:00

now how do i blog without having to reveal anything.
you'd probably first ask,
what's the point of blogging if i want to conceal what i wanna blog.
well, i guess it's for personal expression.
getting thoughts off my mind and onto the screen.
it's amazing sometimes
to know that no one knows what you mean,
but you yourself have full understanding of what you want to convey.
maybe someday someone can break what i blog down.
reminds me of the lyrics from 'the kill'.
come break me down.

i wouldn't reveal my thoughts for a penny,
nor for the entire world's money.
you've gotta earn it.
haha.
what the hell.
i'm so spewing crap.

i still can't find a way to express what i want to say
without making it obvious.

let's just say i want to be freed.
freed from something i cannot seem to shake off.

gosh. i'm wondering why some part of my mind
just keeps seeing my life's secrets as cups filled with water.
what an imagery.
i guess there isn't much meaning.
only perhaps that when it spills,
it makes a mess.
and i think if this cup spills,
it'll create quite a big mess.

i wanna leave.
it's not my place anymore.
i feel apart, not a part.
i don't want freedom to,
i want freedom from.

the rationale for wanting to be freed so badly?
i guess it's cos i can't stand the attitude anymore.
the behaviour... just a big turn off. (not sexually of course)
i finally feel misplaced,
i'm not part of that supposedly big jigsaw puzzle of yours,
so i guess i'll just f*** off.

i want to say goodbye to all that,
but i just don't know how.
that's gonna be quite a big dilemma.

perhaps i should just get cut.

false fronts galore.
broken pieces of a broken memory,
consider me a fallen angel.

that's if i was ever an angel.

that's me in the corner.
that's me in the spotlight.
losing my religion.

on a lighter note, today was a good day i guess.
shan't go in detail.
not until i am freed.
haha.
they're all inter-linked somehow i guess.

dance dance.

2006-10-03T23:00:00.000+08:00

linus is dope. seriously. haha. got much to learn. really inspired too.

got new beats too.
i'm so into this now.
so caught up in the moment.

it's like being able to feel every beat.
the feeling is great.

been really productive.
that's good i guess.

can't wait till h1 exams are over!!!

okay, back to finding my glove.

freeze frame.

2006-09-30T22:00:00.000+08:00

session today was fun. we took a number of photos. and we did quite a lot of random shit.

shinn has a new idea of footwork battle. here's what he said.

"first you do a 6 step. then you do it again. then when your opponent thinks you're not gonna 6 step again, you do 6 step again. and then when he thinks you cannot be doing a 6 step again, you do it again!"

oh gosh someone shoot him down.

and so we were being random taking random shots.

very random shot. fooling around with freezes. ground and air.

we tried to do a duo elbow seven. i guess it wasn't as successful as we expected.

and here's a little comparison between then...

and now.

no they're not the same people. we don't have friends going for sex change.

and here's a lovely video joseph told me to watch. really heartwarming.

watch it here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Sometimes, a hug is all what we need. Free hugs is a real life controversial story of Juan Mann, A man whos sole mission was to reach out and hug a stranger to brighten up their lives.

In this age of social disconnectivity and lack of human contact, the effects of the Free Hugs campaign became phenomenal.

As this symbol of human hope spread accross the city, police and officials ordered the Free Hugs campaign BANNED. What we then witness is the true spirit of humanity come together in what can only be described as awe inspiring.

In the Spirit of the free hugs campaign, PASS THIS TO A FRIEND and HUG A STRANGER! After all, If you can reach just one person...

coke machine.

2006-09-29T23:30:00.000+08:00

the title of this blog entry has almost no relation to the content of this entry. so don't worry about me becoming more shallow or something. it's not happening! never!

just chatted with zee on msn.
he's an emo kheed!
what the hell la.
unexpectedly so.

was just walking down town with desmond today.
met shinn on the way.
coincidental.
to think the three of us met the day before as well.

wanted to blog yesterday.
met larry and aaron from fuyo.
aaron can headspin.
wahhh!
dope dope dope!
larry was lame.
fuyo leader! hello hello!
here are a few quotes from larry:
"ay that girl's ass damn nice! i know why you all are here!!!"
"when you're a bboy, chics stop to watch you dance. but when you're a salsa dancer, you get to dance with the chics!"
haha! cracked me up.

missing the old times.
can't wait for promos to end.
maybe then the sky will brighten.
the clouds will clear.
hopefully.

you know sometimes you put money into the coke machine.
but no drink comes out.

remembering the web of inter-connectivity.
3D web.
we're linked to everyone around us now.
but we're linked by time as well,
to the beliefs and dreams executed by those before us.
and we may well be affected even by those after us.

all i'm saying is that every action we do,
is like prodding a spiderweb.
one inch of the web shakes,
the whole web trembles.

that each affects the other
and the other affects the next
the world is full of stories
but the stories are all one

from the book the 5 people you meet in heaven.
people say tuesdays with morrie was a better book by the author.
but the 5 people you meet in heaven is a good read nonetheless.
equally inspiring for me actually.

some people might disagree with the quote.
well, i'm not pushing the idea anyways.
maybe someday when you've experienced that,
would you realise its truth.

i've managed to experience this first hand.
the web of connectivity.
of how one affects the other.
i experienced it first in sec 3.
through lltc.
but it was unexplainable then.

things became clearer when pbear made the presentation,
on how we're connected through time,
on how we continue la salle's mission 350 over years ago,
till now.

and then i began to see the connections.
connections everywhere.
between you and me.
i realise how one hard nudge on the web,
can affect me.

seeing the connections.
a gift or a curse,
i wouldn't know.
i wouldn't question it either.

sigh.
i don't usually verbalise a sigh this way.
but i felt the impulse to.
tsk.

i need the dead poets now.

you know sometimes you put money into the coke machine.
but no drink comes out.
we curse at it, swear at it.
we're affected.

what an analogy.
what a reality.

maybe we shouldn't care.
but then again,
how possible would it be.
we're affected after all.
just wondering.

it's all about choices.
was just talking to kann about it.
and he made me realise i had to make my blog entry a bit more clear.
cos i think i hid my message too well.

what i was trying to say, was that
even though there were choices to be made,
(to curse and swear or to hold back)
we're sometimes so clouded by our social conditioning
that we do not see the avenue to make the choice anymore.

and perhaps that's why we still curse and swear,
despite knowing that nothing will result from it.
perhaps that's why we waste our effort.
we're affected.

over the sea and far away
she's waiting like an iceberg
waiting to change
but she's cold inside
she wants to be like the water

smile across my face.

2006-09-27T23:00:00.000+08:00

i'm happy today. haha.

firstly cos it's the last day of h2 exams. which means... time to dance! and so as you would expect, i did! today! yay! my right thigh muscle is kinda injured though, together with my right foot and right shoulder. rahh! but other than that, today was pretty fun. exam worries all off my mind.

again i marvel at my wit.
and again desmond can vouch for that.
i'm good i'm good! =P
and once again, i'm waiting to be thoroughly thanked.
haha!

went for dinner with my family at 8pm plus.
i guess i was in a good mood today,
so the dinner was generally good.
and my dad kinda treated us to drinks after that.
i wouldn't be mentioning something so trivial,
but i guess i didn't specify the kind of drinks.
alcoholic drinks!
vodka!
oh man.
i'm can't hold my liquor.
some people would have known that.
cambridge -hint hint-
so right now i'm trying pretty hard
to not blog incoherently.

really wanna have more of such outings.
good for the soul.
i really needed this bonding time with my family i guess.

okay, now to go rest.
i feel so... high. lol.
and i need to tend to my injuries. =P

just the mind.

2006-09-24T22:00:00.000+08:00

sometimes i marvel at my own wit.
i'm feel so psychic, so in control.
desmond can vouch for that.
i sometimes just feel like i'm magic personified.

and as justin would put it,
genius.

was pretty tired earlier, so i took a nap before watching singapore idol.
i shouldn't have.

only today, i realised something about myself.
that making someone happy,
just makes my day.
like i said, i marvel at my wit.
desmond better thank me for that!
my smart move,
his great few hours.
so much for me leaving you there.
look who pangseh-ed me eh.
haha.
but never mind that.
i guess people around me must have thought i was crazy.
smiling at myself the whole time.

took the path through the park after i decided to leave without telling desmond.
i needed a bit of time to think.
a few messages from dania sure was enough.
thought-provoking.

the bus ride home entailed more than i expected.
i feel so useless sometimes,
but i guess i'll try my best.

i realised something about myself.
that making someone happy,
just makes my day.

maybe that's why
despite some people having no impact
nor contribution in making my life better,
they remain friends all the same.
i don't stand to gain.
but in truth, do we need to gain?
just don't see relationships as that.
what you gain is just the bonus.

i guess this is just another controversial topic.
worth some debate over?
i don't think so.
it's just my opinion.

i hope i don't sound too full of myself.
i marvel at my wit,
but i'm not boasting.
or at least i don't want it to come out that way.

i guess conversely,
seeing someone suffer,
brings me the same amount of pain.

it's much better to face
these kinds of things with
a sense of poise and rationality.

promos almost over.
dance is about to start.

this time.

2006-09-22T23:00:00.000+08:00

i've got my retainers. it hurts wearing them. rahh!

it's like having plastic around your teeth.
hold on, i do have plastic around my teeth.

2nd entry in a single day. i'm certainly not acting myself.
so i might say some stupid things i guess.

the exams have really taken my mind off a lot of stuff.
but at the same time, i feel so infantile.
it's like i try to see things in a positive light everyday.
so false, so deluded.

well, it's not that i want to stay depressed and emoted everyday either.
but i know i'm affected but i don't acknowledge it.
that's what bothers me.

everything may seem alright on the surface.
verbally, it has been said so too.
but is it really?
i can't find those words anymore.
i don't need to anymore, i don't even see many chances to use them.

but as always, i'm sure i'll be alright.
and i believe in the light at the end of the tunnel.
a screw. another freakin cliche.
oh well.

The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

exams are almost over for me.
i guess i'll soon be able to seek some comfort in dancing.
yet i know that is but an escape.
after all, some dance to remember, some dance to forget.

i've been dancing on the tops of buildings.

mind freak.

2006-09-22T21:00:00.000+08:00

i just got a shock after reading this off a friendster bulletin. not that i completely believe in it, but some parts of it apply to me somehow. i'll try to sieve out the parts that would be more pleasing to your eyes and not make me seem like i'm self-praising. =P

very stubborn in the most way possible

just one of the clumsiest people you will ever meet

tends to bottle up feelings

i just love the second one. haha. so true. not forgetting i've scraped through many near death experiences with vehicles. =P the latest being a van. maybe that's why i'm so afraid of the road.

okay. not much to blog about. don't feel like blogging either. i guess i'm slowly finding my direction and removing the masks.

taking my own advice now. my own advice through wei kann. haha. how apt.

hair do, hair don't.

2006-09-20T21:30:00.000+08:00

convict justin

offence: hair

convict zixiang
offence: hair

convict darren

offence: hair

all need to go rehairbilitation.

no more braces, no more hair. rahh! but people have been telling me that they don't see any difference in my hair, so i guess i'm alright. =P

gp and econs were kinda okay i guess. was feeling confident for gp, hopefully not over-confident. studied at darren's after cutting hair two days ago. darren has a nice house. haha. can be our clubhouse. there's like a lot of entertainment in his room alone. there's a ps2 lying there (no tv though), there's a dartboard (where we spent most of our time at), there's his laptop, and there are 3 guitars (5 strings attached to each. urgh).

today's geog was a piece of shit. seriously. never felt so useless before. i couldn't understand a thing. rahh! probably not gonna do well for geog. time to study for physicl geog. might save me from being retained or kicked out.

there's a tempest within me.
feelings over feelings.
meaning over meaning.
i'm too narrow-minded now.

i feel like i'm messing every part of my life up.
seriously.
it's like i'm always making stupid mistakes.
hurting people unintentionally.
my fault, my bad.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

facades, put me aside.

2006-09-17T21:30:00.000+08:00

i rememeber pbear making a video for my birthday last year. titled, the many faces of zixiang.

how appropriate.

i feel so two faced.
three faced.
more.

i feel so fake.
it's like i can never show anyone who i really am.

i want to be normal.
i've never made such a plea before.
nor am i saying i'm special.
cos after all, i don't even know what's normal.
i just don't feel like living this life of mine anymore.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it

i think i've said too much.

all smiles.

2006-09-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

i'm a happy kid! i took off my braces today! (: smiles smiles smiles.

sorry. i just had to take a picture of myself without those braces. you can slap me after this. haha!

ok. maybe one picture wasn't enough for me. haha. my mouth feels more free, yet a bit weird. it's like it's lacking something now.

ah well. i love it all the same.

i feel this distance.
i'm reaching out.
to no avail.

i guess some people will just tell me to focus on my promos first.
i'm really requiring a whole lot of assistance on studying.
i can't seem to sit down and study effectively.
no conducive environment either.
lost that direction.

a walking lie.

2006-09-13T21:30:00.000+08:00

these pretences.
false fronts.
never mind.

i feel like i'm being two faced.

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

and just so you know,
as much as there's a rift,
some drifting,
i really don't want anything to end.

i still can't believe myself.
how can i just detach.
or i guess i haven't really detached.
i've regained that ability.
to immerse myself into those emotions,
and then take a step back.

this mask.
please fall to pieces.

hanging by this moment.

2006-09-12T22:30:00.000+08:00

and here we have me attaching my hand to max's hand. don't ask me who's max. just the name of the weird scribbly stick man i guess. =P

feet that don't stop dancing. shoes that will soon be worn out from that dancing. haha.

just holding on. hand, elbow, it doesn't matter, i just need to hold on.

desmond. wouldn't have got past these few days without him. yet my face is still a blur. literally in this picture and figuratively speaking as well i guess. go figure.

artdicted. nice word. i like. =P
some dance to remember, some dance to forget.

trying hard to master this move. still pretty unsuccessful i guess. desmond's good photography skills just make it look so much better.

and this is why we're screwed for promos. we don't have much room in our heads. =P

and that's why i do some stupid things i do i guess.

my eyes are closing, exhausted from the previous two late nights.

but i guess i'm going to stay up again tonight. maybe just for a little while.

call me out,
you stayed inside.

fading into the

2006-09-11T22:30:00.000+08:00

don't want this to end up in nothing.

just today, desmond put my ipod nano on shuffle.

one day i'll fly away.
leave all this to yesterday.

walking into island creamery.

i'll be your crying shoulder.
i'll be love's suicide.
i'll be better when i'm older.
i'll be the greatest fan of your life.

recognizable songs.

i guess after much thought, i finally see things more clearly.
still, i don't want this to end.
i've been brought up to such a level,
wouldn't want to fall all the way down.
just when i began opening up
for the first time in my life.

what happens on the outside doesnt matter to me i guess.
after all, it's what goes on within that determines everything.
well, at least for me it is.
despite all the external happenings,
i guess i still see the same person,
and i hope i'd stay the same person.

missing all those times.
life is turning into a memory.

tear my heart open,
just to feel.

on another note, i've just made friends with the tofu man.
or at least that's what my classmates call him.
evil shits. =P
quite a nice guy.

oh yes, i need to see michael tan.
cos i didn't go to school on thursday the week before.

now to start learning from justin. blog the justin style. why is it that teachers' day celebrations had to be on the friday a week before the actual teachers' day. when every other school has teachers' day on thursday. and because of that, the extremely loyal students just have to return to their alma mater regardless of the consequences. and michael tan requested for those who were absent on thursday to meet him at 2pm. the thing is, he wasn't at his office at 2pm. went back at 2:15 to check it out, but he still wasn't there. am i at fault if i didn't get to see him today? the blame better not be pushed onto me. don't feel like blogging about this anymore. don't wanna sound like i'm ranting, although i think i might already sound so. rahh! =P

singing national anthem tomorrow. oh man. no mood to sing. seriously.
and i don't wanna get scolded by jek suan.
i think i need to cut my hair,
but it's too late now.

i'm amazed at myself sometimes.
how i manage to switch mindsets to quickly.
how i manage to view people differently, to my liking.
but at the same time, i hate it.
it just makes my feelings to fake sometimes.
that's how i detach i guess.
maybe that explains why i hate detaching.
but then again, i guess i can do it extremely well.
learning how to accept kinda helped as well i guess.
this is some warped mindset you might think.
i guess that's me.

waiting.

feet that don't stop.

2006-09-10T19:30:00.000+08:00

what's up with arsenal. :(

i've met up with desmond 5 days in a row now. and everytime we meet, it's a whole new adventure. i'm glad to have found such a friend in such times.

just today, we were walking past dhoby ghaut mrt.
we started singing.
a line each.
rather gay, yet rather cool.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

and then we took pics! finally, after such a long time.

that aside. my mind's fresh and alive again.

hopes.
i guess you might ask how i'd so readily say i'd fulfil them.
i guess you'd be questioning how true would i be to my word.
like i said, consider it done.

some part of me still feels that i'm just so human.
some part of me doesn't yearns to be something more.

that psychological plane.
over there, i sort out my thoughts.

things are definitely gonna be different.
that doesn't mean things can't get any better.

in some foreign part of my mind,
i'm all smiles.

and for these few days,
thank you 602,
thank you joseph,
thank you wei kann,
thank you desmond.

weird. (:

moody melodies and fairy tales

2006-09-10T09:30:00.000+08:00

some part of me was lost.

then again, i accepted and i guess things turned out fine.
after all, i'm magic. not.

just glad that the saga is finally over.
perhaps it's also a jurney of self-discovery for me.
how cliched.
but now i know i can never use words to tackle such problems.
maybe emotions were never meant to be dressed up,
clothed with the most flowery language.

and i guess that's just what i meant when i say,
that i can reveal some of my emotions,
but choose to soak up the rest.

how i got to my feet so fast?
the truth is, i haven't,
but once again, words.
but i know i won't take long.

maybe i was just playing along the shades of gray.

just for now i guess,

i'll look away,
pretend i'm okay.
i'm back on the road again.
shades of gray,
please fade away.

unwell. uncertain. sorry.

2006-09-10T01:11:00.000+08:00

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

sorry.

hanging by a thread.

still waiting.

in dreams

2006-09-09T01:23:00.000+08:00

In Dreams - Joseph McManners

When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I can hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again

In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams
I can hear your name
And in dreams
We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come, to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there,
I will go there
And back again

(quote) i'm gonna hold on for as long as i can, regardless whatsoever.

i'll be waiting.

2006-09-08T10:00:00.000+08:00

wouldn't know how to title this entry.

seems like amidst this whole messed up situation, i've made some people unhappy. i'm sorry.

thoughts just kept running through my head.
running and then falling.
running and then disappearing.

i'm left to question the same few questions.
but in addition,
i'm now left to question
those same questions you once posed to me.
and to top it off, those questions you posed to me
not too long ago.

i guess i'm now the one chasing shadows.

can't bear the distance.
can't bear the pain.
just a fool.
the road signs don't show any direction anymore.

i'm left sitting in the darkness.

memories came flooding back.

but i guess memories are just what they are.
a thing of the past.

i'm determined to make this screwed up situation
unscrew itself.
crude terms but i guess they make a point.

guess i'm the one having to do the crying now.
but it's all good i guess.

i'm not a superhero, i'm not magic.
but that doesn't mean i won't go the distance.

please stay out of room 6277

2006-09-07T23:11:00.000+08:00

The Kill - 30 Seconds To Mars

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do? (do, do)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do? (do, do)
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for
I'm not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break...?
What if I...
What if I...

epileptic emotions

2006-09-06T23:30:00.000+08:00

never really wanted to push the previous entry down.
cos it means a lot.
meant for someone who means a lot.
it's the 100th entry.
it's full of word plays.
plays a lot on my emotions.
emotes me.

two days ago.
the third cup was spilled.
for better or for worse.
i let out those feelings.
feelings kept in the deepest recesses of my heart.

some part of me felt a huge sense of relief.
another part has been left hanging.
questioning.
what happens next?

i guess sometimes it's more than just knowing a situation or feeling,
more than just knowing what to expect,
more than just knowing how to react.
different situations, different people,
entails whole different outcomes,
whole different experiences thereafter.

even though i'm still questioning,
the relief is gone.
today was more of a messed up day.
i'm left at a loss.

i'm still questioning,
what happens next?
but in addition,
what's happening?
or perhaps,
what just happened?

your idea of logic.
there has to be reason.
what's the reason for the solitude?
what's the reason for the inner weather forecast?
i wouldn't know.

sometimes i really can't believe myself.
how much things can affect me.
the lack of communication bothers me.
then again, maybe
maybe it's how small things can affect me a whole lot.
i don't know.

i don't know.

milestone.

2006-09-03T21:00:00.000+08:00

this would be the 100th entry on this blog.

i was thinking of making it special, but i didnt see any need to anyways.

spend much time thinking.
spend my life believing.
i believed i could be different,
by controlling
supressing
building walls around me.

but i guess i'm just human.

not a failed example,
but an example of failure.

this is not self-pity.
more of self-expression.
i'm not saying i'm a failure.
at least not in the normal sense.

tried so hard not to fall.
those anecdotes of those who have.
just make me want to disassociate.
yet i can't bear to leave.

just another normal living being.
and so much for preaching,
about emotions and thoughts.

i'm a mile away
from being that ideal.
i'm a mile away
from looking at things that way.

the proximity
the words
the similarities

the differences

i'm returned
i'm reduced

times that hung on a thread.
times that were properly woven.
times that were spent wisely.
times that were wasted.

i'm back to square one.

why couldn't i stop this.
why wouldn't i let it happen.

the conflict of emotion within.
challenged by that spark of logic.

this is my perspective.
probably not yours.

i want exclusiveness.
i end up losing individuality.

the once thoroughly flawed.
acceptance leading to perfection.

those strings that play.
these broken strings, these broken dreams.

new found floor.
lost my steps.

to know.
to conceal.

opposites.

wishing this never began.
wishing this could end.
at least this pair would result in the same effect.

i'm not superhuman.
i guess i'm not that enchantment either.

too late to turn back.
i've already fallen

oh just ignore me.
don't worry about this.
i'm actually very fine.
just needed to get those words out of my head.

if the entry is unbearable,
sorry for leaving this disclaimer till now,
you need not read on cos it isn't,

for you.

and words can do so much.

there isn't much i need to say anymore.
if you've read till here and feel that this has been intolerable,
i shall put your suffering to an end now.
i guess i'm done. for
i can't suppress this.

taking a breather.

i guess i'm fine now.
time to continue living.

that black spot in my thought

2006-08-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEI KANN!

life hasnt been easy since the start of the year. hopefully it'll all change.

on another note.

so irritable all of a sudden.
could call it mood swings.

out of nowhere, a sudden pain in my heart, a sudden black spot in my thought.
paralyzed.

if only all feelings could be concealed.

another reason why i hate the night.
there's so much time to think.
there's so much time to destroy oneself.
i guess when left alone, people just start to self-destruct somehow.
or at least it happens to me.

i guess this time i know what i'm feeling.
some part of me doesnt want to feel this way.
yet it's happening.

i'm mocked.

maybe i should just remain alone and sleep.
i dont think anything really matters anyway.

tripping

2006-08-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

the day started out innocently enough. woke up extremely early. 8am. was half awake/half asleep till 9am. when i finally got up and out of bed, and after taking 2 to 3 steps, i fell back onto my bed, with half my body on the floor. i was having some really severe headache. in the process of falling back, my hip bone hit the bedside. pain.

the headache lasted for half the day. i couldnt even walk in a straight line. was feeling extremely drowsy and uncomfortable when i left my house to go to justin's. the walk to the bus stop never felt so scary. it was as though i could collapse at any time, no joke. but i got onto the bus safely and slept the entire journey to town. by the time i woke up, my headache wasnt as bad, but it was there. missed my stop. after a lot of navigational difficulties, i finally got to justin's house. did written report. not really completed, but almost there.

and at 4pm, we went for soccer! gosh! finally, some exercise. the past week has been a lot of mental work, especially due to council, teachers' day concert preparations. i wanted to run the headache off, but i guess it didnt work. i was kinda having a headache the whole time, but it wasnt as bad. and to add on to the headache, i now have blisters on the soles of my feet and a very unstable right knee.

ok, i sound like im filling in a casualty case sheet. and no, im not trying to gain sympathy from all this. it's just... this headache is bloody persistent! leave my head alone already!

now on a more serious note, i was on my way home when i was thinking. and as usual, when people start to think, that's when things start to take shape, or sometimes even get distorted.

for the first time in a very long time, i feel so detached.
the lonesome bus ride home perhaps amplified everything.
i suddenly felt like i didnt need anyone in my life.
and that's when i broke down.
that thought went against all my beliefs i've established since sec 1.

i dont know what's this feeling.
i've been trying to understand it since last night.
i guess it's that feeling of detachment.

gosh, all this has got to stop.
i need to retrace my steps.
get back onto that path.

i guess it's just like before,
whenever the last cup is tipping,
i end up tripping.

if my life was like a river
i'm meandering non-stop
i cant find the right path to take
and when i finally reach the ocean
im lost

and once again
i've lost my place.

maybe i should just sleep this over.

maybe i should just stay awake throughout the night, thinking this over.

maybe i should just detach.

maybe i am already doing so.

maybe. i've lost that certainty.

i dont know why.
i dont really know anything anymore.

amidst the songs

2006-08-26T21:50:00.000+08:00

the way you're bathed in light
reminds me of that night
God laid me down into your rose garden of trust
and I was swept away
with nothing left to say

if i die tomorrow

2006-08-26T11:45:00.000+08:00

I wake up to find myself
After all these years
And where all the time has gone
Still seems so unclear
'Cause there's no one else
Since I found you
I know it's been so hard
You should know

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow

It brings out the worst in me
When you're not around
I miss the sound of your voice
The silence seems so loud
'Cause there's no one else
Since I found you
I know it's been so hard
You should know

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow

I spent all my life
Looking for our innocence
I've got nothing to lose
One thing to prove
I won't make the same mistakes
Now I know
That everything will be ok
When I die tomorrow

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow
If I die tomorrow

i seriously have to thank justin for this song. sums up almost one entire part of my life. it's hard to find songs that can tell such tales.

this week has been hectic and i've lost myself in the rush of it all. now i need to find that road again. i've taken a detour, an unwanted one. and it's amazing how song lyrics can always be stuck in your head when you feel an emotion or when you are reminded of an event.

Don't stop here
I lost my place

hopefully it doesnt stay this way. i will find my way back onto that road.

I'm close behind

the light went out

2006-08-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

i hate the street lamp at thomson.
hate it.
don't ask me why.
it bastard-ed me!
i hate it!

going back to that place just brings back memories though.
and some good ones at that.
if i could turn back time.
i'll go wherever you will go.

you should go to sleep now,
you should stay the night.
i'll be up to watch the world around us live and die.
lying on the grass now,
dancing for the stars.
maybe one will look on down,
and tell us who we are.
we might fall...

i could join the circus.
you could sell your hair.
i could learn to walk the line or learn to train the bears.
tell me are we crazy.
and did you like the cold.
tell me are you comfortable,
if comfortable at all.
we might fall...

couldnt really find the lyrics anywhere, so i ended up typing them myself. lovely song by ryan star. we might fall.

and i loved the way john sang dolphin's cry today. im gonna get that song too!

where are the days when we can just sit in silence
without worries nor regret
without considering thought nor emotion
without the constraints of time
where have those days gone.

just wondering.

we're all becoming influenced by this fast paced environment.

i don't think im catching up fast enough.

i might fall
i might fall.

iris

2006-08-21T20:00:00.000+08:00

eyes closed.

and i don't want the world to see me,
cos i don't think that they'd understand.

praying silently.

catching my breath

2006-08-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

the feeling of anxiety.

and then i felt the greatest amount of worry in my life.

and while you're on your way home,
i sit in silence,
upon the steps.

my mind's in a whirl.

what just happened.
and happened oh so quickly for that matter.

i.
feel like such a huge letdown.
feel as if i fell from grace.
feel everything.
feel nothing.

a million and one thoughts are running through my head.
cant think straight.
a million and one emotions are tugging at my heart.
cant feel anything.

perhaps it's me.
leaving,
i just failed to see.

i've lost my place.

i ran, but i fell behind.

i jumped, but i fell short.

cant hear.
cant see.
cant feel.

i've lost my place.
no one's close behind.

feels as if i've been hit in the head.
but then again

cant feel.

finding the path

2006-08-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

i guess i havent been quite me lately. today's lltc meeting was exceptionally rejuvenating in a way. everything seems to have hit me much harder than before. am especially reminded by kenny's re-telling of brother michael's words. and the reflective song that kenny played. everything seemed so associated to what i was going through.

As we turn our lives
Down this complicated road
If you need a hand to hold
I promise you
I will be your friend
Through whatever life may send
And I know that you will be there too

If I should lose my way
Along this road we share
Please bring me home, come-what-may
If I should lose my way

When the wild wind blows
And the rain begins to fall
I will find you through it all
And comfort you
But as we move on
Should you turn and find me gone
Then just rest awhile, I'll be along

If I should lose my way
Along this road we share
Please wait for me, come-what-may
If I should lose my way

Day after day,
Never let the sun go down
'Till love is found once more

If I should lose my way
Along this road we share
Please look for me, come-what-may
If I should lose my way

Please look for me...
If I should lose my way

faith.

wantaway

2006-08-18T23:00:00.000+08:00

i've been faced with this huge conflict. i've recently got into touch with some of the people i havent talked to in a long time. it's pretty and pleasantly surprising i guess. talked to shao recently. agnes, perhaps someone i've never talked to in ages started a conversation. but more importantly, alvan and i had a real long talk. and i realised how i've misjudged some people. apparently i feel more comforted after the talk. cos i discovered that i wasnt the only one missing sji so much and i wasnt the only one complaining about cjc. and as i was bringing up some of those old memories we shared, i just felt so nostalgic i almost teared. oncom!

yet there's this conflict in me. although i may be on better terms with some people, i've found myself distancing away from others. i guess it's my fault. firstly cos i've been away at cambridge for too long, and secondly cos i guess i got too caught up in trying to rekindle some old friendships, i failed miserably in managing those i have. and then sometimes im just afraid.

just cant find the words to describe this tempest in my soul.

At times life is wicked and I just can't see the light
A silver lining sometimes isn't enough
To make some wrongs seem right

internal trauma. i want my lemonade machine to work again. i intend to make that my new mission. but then i was thinking, what's a guy who smiles all day, tries to brighten up people's lives, yet he himself cant see past the wall of happiness he's put in front of his own eyes. it's self-deception in a way. it's also like a facade.

inside me a storm is brewing. there's just so much pain. i'm such a letdown at times. yet what i do know is that i want things to turn out right.

Am I hiding in the shadows?
Forget the pain and forget the sorrows

rift.

Am I hiding in the shadows?
Are we hiding in the shadows?

mindless allusions

2006-08-18T00:30:00.000+08:00

i don't know what i'm talking about anymore.

i suddenly feel so sleepy, so blur, so out of place even.

some part of me misses cambridge i guess. it's away from the troubles of school. but it enhances other problems i guess. oh well.

im making an effort on a new self-driven campaign.

friendships face strains, and it's even worse when time cant heal all wounds.

it's glad to know that at least love heals all wounds.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

uplifted in a way, yet i feel so suppressed.

bowl of thoughts

2006-08-16T22:30:00.000+08:00

had dinner with ray wong today. our conversations opened up numerous windows in my mind and i feel more self-aware and more enlightened on many many matters. am really grateful for today and yesterday. things have certainly been turning out for the better i guess.

however, im still hesitant on coming to terms with certain aspects of my life.

still processing all the input of ideas today.

maybe i should leave this as that for now.

right now, i guess i'm just going to close my eyes.

oh please break this awful silence.

once again, i dont feel like speaking. a little dejavu here. again. just that im much more aware of the situation now.

the weather forecast

2006-08-15T22:00:00.000+08:00

things are clearing up. the sky's brighter. the clouds are letting the sun shine through once again.

learning how to smile once again.

everything feels so different now that i'm back. i think im doing something wrong. oh well.

words of wisdom from wei kann.

the person who controls your mind and your thinking... is you, not your friends, not your teachers, not anyone.

and that just made my day. the value of those few words.

the sky's blue. that's the way it is. i dont care why it's blue. just enjoy it.

faith.

2006-08-14T22:00:00.000+08:00

back to a uk entry.

here are some pics i took with my phone. ah well. no proper camera, so i guess my phone will suffice.

the porter's lodge.

that typical english red telephone booth!

they have a black one too.

hold your horses!

uk is a chocolatey place.

moer chocolate anyone?

sorry. got bored in my dorm.

jam session! which i didnt attend. hehe.

funky dude!

look closely! he's hiding a bloody water gun!

just felt like a nice pic to take.

and this is sijie from aj.

cows...

that's one factor that caused me a few sleepless nights. a bloody bright moon!

would you believe it? it's still 9pm!

sometimes all you need is a little faith.

i guess i need that little faith.

provoked.

2006-08-14T21:00:00.000+08:00

i hate it when i'm forced to consider things, when i'm provoked to think. yet i find it more soothing that not knowing anything at all. this is doing me no justice, yet it would be more painful to just let it pass.

i'm not talking sense. maybe i'm still thinking.

i see possibilities, but i cant come to terms with them.

faltered.

held back the tears

2006-08-11T05:30:00.000+08:00

here in cambridge, there are hot french guys. haha. there is the hot bald guy. he has a girlfriend though. and they look like some Guess models together. and then there's this guy that wears a sweater and a baseball cap. he's got that hot rebel look i find. lol. and on to the good part, there's the trashy twin. of which one of them is really really hot. oh gosh, hearing this from a guy, you might just get the idea that i'm gay. but well, there are no hot european girls here, so i don't think it's so much a crime to just observe hot guys yah? =P

anyways, there's been a bomb scare at heathrow airport, so my flight may be delayed. :(

worse still, there can be no handcarry luggages. that means i have to put all my electronic devices into my luggage. that includes wei kann's laptop. and the electrical devices will just die on the plane due to the temperature, the pressure, the whatever. i'll try my best to protect my electrical stuff though. so wei kann, if your com dies on the plane, i'll see how much i can claim and then pay you back ok?

i really hope there isnt a delay in the flight. i wanna get home as soon as possible.

and as i was singing the whole of today,

let me go hoooooooome!

i guess the song just says it all.

my last day of lessons tomorrow.

yet i feel so far away from home.

been far away for far too long.

broken pieces of glass

2006-08-09T05:30:00.000+08:00

no, i had no encounter with any sort of glass. got into much contact with grass though. played soccer and touch rugby these two days. got many cuts and bruises on my legs. adding on to that physical pain, there's the mental stress of having to do econs ca and project work stuff from over here. and we usually only find time to do the work at 7pm plus. by 8pm, everyone's lethargic already. oh well.

i feel so lousy and messed up. i'm crumbling under this pressure.

and i feel that something is amiss back home.

and it's screwed up that not only do i not know what's amiss, there's nothing i can do about it from here anyways. period.

rahh! gonna end here and return to doing econs ca!

witness my temporary life

2006-08-07T06:00:00.000+08:00

yesterday started with a visit to the tower of london. there was a show going on. oh lookie at those weird men fight.

and then there were the crown jewels which jeremy took pictures of. i think we werent supposed to though. =P these are just a few of the many many crown jewels.

after a little shopping spree, i decided to show jackie that the pen is mightier than the sword. =P

we headed to trafalgar square thereafter and we witnessed the weirdest stuff there.

that's obscene!

and that's a bridge!

that's just cool! =P

we ended the day with pizza hut in our group of six. the name "group of six" somehow transcended to "group sex". let's not get into details though. although i think you have to know, the group name didnt take place literally. =/

and that more or less wrapped up yesterday. today was less hectic. well, we went to stratford. on the way there, the scenery was great. and we noticed that the clouds were extremely large, fluffy and low!

and stratford, being shakespeare's birthplace, had the royal shakespeare theatre. i decided to touch the sign for some inspiration for lit. =P

we had pizza hut for dinner... AGAIN! it's pretty worth it, considering we had unlimited drinks and ice cream! indulgent!

the bus ride home was more reflective for me than i thought it would be. i guess it was the quiet time i had. the scenery was also so beautiful. the sky is lovely. then i just had a random thought: though we may be miles apart, we still gaze at that same sky.

my sky had a hot air balloon.

if only singapore had such scenery, i would remain reflective forever. i was feeling extremely peaceful, and i looked into the sky, listening to here without you and hands on deck.

i need something else
would someone please just give me
hit me, knock me out
and let me go back to sleep
i can laugh
all i want inside i still am empty
so deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me

my lifre as a theatre production

2006-08-05T06:00:00.000+08:00

one that loved not wisely, but too well.

Just a face in the crowd, wanna scream out loud, rescue me
you're everything i need, and i just don't know what to say
All i know is i feel this way, can't you hear my heart sing?

i've got about a week more to go in cambridge.
i've barely even survived this one.

got to know si jie from aj more today. apparently, he likes being alone and he's extremely introverted. and that's probably me during the first week. but the thing is, that's so not me, and i feel weird just being so quiet. then again, i find it so hard to express myself here cos there's just so much i'm trying to get out of my head. i'm trying so hard to get certain thoughts out of my head, but they keep re-appearing.

hopeless.

still trying.

i'm getting fat. well, at least i'm feeling fatter. ahaha!

on another note, these thoughts would seem to leave me alone.

recurring fears.
they don't fade away.
like shades of gray.
haunting.
losing myself.
falling back into that gray.

that thought:
what's been built up is crumbling.
alluding to the edges of rome.
the great nation somehow falls in every play.

one that loved not too wisely, but too well.

criminality of thought

2006-08-04T04:40:00.000+08:00

long time since i've blogged with a title. about time that started again. i guess a title would give my entries more focus, and perhaps even give each entry a theme (lit influence in cambridge is overwhelming. lol.)

mr pang has told us to ponder about and write a reflection on criminality and violence. i have a feeling it might turn out a disaster for me. ah well.

i titled my blog entry as such cos i kinda realised how we as humans all participate in some sort of criminality. and we participate in it more so in thought than anything else. that's all i've got so far.

on another note of criminality of thought, i guess i've been so messed up and retarded the past few days here in cambridge. i keep havingvthe phobia of everything just going on and going too fast forward without me. there are people i dont want to lose and im just afraid this long trip might just be that catalyst for the undesirable.
my mental degeneration.
i'm hating it.
hate me.

i am trying to enjoy myself. trying.
trying to forget whatever's happening back home.
trying to inhibit these worries.
trying to impede these thoughts.
but then the song plays and i'm drawn back into my memories and worries.
but i'm still trying.

i'm sounding pathetic.
self-indulgent even?
alas, i'm not who i am anymore.
this distance is changing me.
it's maiming my life.
miles apart.
quote from Great Expectations: "and will continue friends apart".
pardon me once again for being so patronising.

i'll be just fine.
pretending I'm not.
i'm far from lonely.
and it's all that I've got.

reminiscing.
i'm staring into those eyes in my sleep.
i'm hearing that voice through these songs.
i'm trying.

these thoughts do me much injustice.
the criminality of thought.

2006-08-03T00:40:00.000+08:00

yayness! blogging from cambridge! my dorm finally has internet connection.

feeling great now that im more connected to the people back home.

well, i've just finished lit class and i'm overwhelmed. kassandra brought to my attention the apollonian and dionysian theory earlier in the year and it was put to good use in the lesson i just had. funkyness.

i wanna return to singapore with a brit accent! ahaha!

the light in the dorms are extremely dim and orange.

it's raining. boo.

dinnertime is in 15 minutes.

i'm like alone in my room, everyone else is everywhere. sadness.

here I am so alone
and there's nothing in this world I can do

gonna turn emo soon.

why am i so unaware of my emotions all of a sudden.
to me they become so surreal.

the violent eruptions of my emotions are present.
but why is it that i choose to ignore them.

i want so much to know.
yet it pains me to question.
and isnt that human, cos the questions we want to ask in life normally entails consequences.

i dont have much time left to blog i guess.

cambridge is sort of gloomy and melancholic in a way.

i just want you to know.

there are things in life i have experienced.
there are thoughts running through my head.
there are feelings erupting in this heart.
yet i fail to act.
that is so typical me.
and so sometimes i am to blame.

why does this distance maim my life?

the last cup is tipping.
it's just a matter of weeks. 2 weeks?
but then again,
im trying to impede this,
trying to prevent the obviousness.

i dont know where we are anymore.
i dont know where i am anymore.
i've lost my place.

silence once again.

2006-07-28T23:30:00.000+08:00

in case you people still dont know, i'm leaving for cambride in 2 days time. and i'll be away for 2 weeks.

it's kinda depressing to be away from home actually.

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me

i'm falling in love with songs too easily already. argh!

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
Youre in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

i need some distraction.

i cant bear to leave.

yes it may only be 2 weeks.

but it's like taking 2 limbs away from me.

i'll try to survive.

im holding on, waiting for your call, it's simple but i can't explain it.

2006-07-26T22:30:00.000+08:00

bad days.

sleepless nights.

everything's going downhill so far.

burning. anger.

melting.

2006-07-21T23:30:00.000+08:00

sometimes it just doesnt pay to try to be nice.

rushed home for dinner, decided to stop by at dad's shop so it'll be easier for my mom and sis to meet us. ended up being scolded for messing up their plans, cos apparently my mom wanted me to go home to take a bath and stuff. whatever la.

today's been a screwed up day.

i'm sorry.

i guess nothing i've verbalised today has been through some thought.

no wonder i never even bothered to talk back at council meeting.

i feel like such a fool once again.

so much for trying to be a better man.

my eyes a shut tight.

i'm off to a place free from troubles.

my body and mind at peace.

laying still in the darkness.

savouring the silence of the night.

detaching myself for tonight.

today just isnt my day.

everywhere i turn, i hurt someone.

what's worse is there's nothing i can do to change the things i've done.

of all the things i hid from you, i cannot hide the shame.

there's no shelter from the storm inside of me.

perhaps i should just isolate myself from humanity tonight.

detachment has its advantages sometimes i guess.

2006-07-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

parents are home.

freedom just got sent out.

waking up each day hoping for the best.
but faced with disappointment time and again.
so close to loving.
yet i know it remains a question.
life doesn't have to rhyme.
it's never melodious.
i sit alone to straighten out my thoughts.
but like hair, the more you tug, the more it turns.

i feel like these few days or weeks have been a looped journey. i find myself back where i started.

or maybe i havent.

under the cloudy night sky.

my actual response to the question: i can't.

i just can't do it.

thoughts and emotions overwhelmed me thereafter.

i realised i was still confused.

was it just a game.

or perhaps there's sincerity after all.

a young kid walking out alone.

in the darkness, thinking.

what's going on here.

this is not my life.

or perhaps it's a part of my life i've just begun to explore.

like all explorations, it starts with fear and uncomfort.

i've got a bonus, mine starts with confusion too.

more than meets the eye.

walk away or stay.

wish i could've changed some things today.

change them to make my day.

too late.

2006-07-20T00:40:00.000+08:00

i don't wanna run away.

but i can't take it.

i don't understand.

if i'm not made for you,

then why does my heart tell me that i am.

i decided to sleep before i blogged. all in hope for a more positive entry. apparently, it was to no avail.

went to wei kann's earlier to celebrate his mom's birthday.

before that, i was at the rugby match. standing there reliving my days as a spectator and supporter of sji rugby.

only difference was that i was in cjc uniform this time.

the words are on the tip of my tongue.

contemplating.

maybe it isnt the time.

it's amazing how we can always find a song to describe how we feel.

play me a sad song.

don't need no fancy fanfares.
would i believe it,
when you say that there'll be another perfect day.
don't need no fiery drumbeat.
just listen to the thumping of this heart.
would you believe it,
when i say that there's still love.
love left in his almost hollow heart.

am going to run away.

am going to fly away.

his heart controls his body.
he makes his life a living dream.
his life is passion.
he wants to say so much.

if i'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that i am?

2006-07-19T00:00:00.000+08:00

why live life from dream to dream?

well, people who don't have dreams don't have much.

in the darkness, thinking.

in the silence, weeping.

maybe love is blind. maybe love blinds.

words can sway me.

it's happening to me again.

maybe cos i'm vulnerable.

i don't know why.

confused.

i want so much to shout and scream it all out.

everything is indeed out to make me lose control.

but i know i cant. not anymore.

a nice setting for heartache where emotions come last.

myself once again. silent.

i'll send you the rough draft, i'll seal it with tears.

why does my heart cry.

feelings i can't fight.

you're free to leave me but just don't deceive me.

we all have people we hate, or people we have grown to detest. the problem arises when we sometimes become the very person we hate. it seems to be happening all around. in some way or another. maybe we've not turned fully into that person, but perhaps we've picked up a few traits we had once deemed undesirable.

who i am hates who i've been?

or rather, who i am hates who i've become.

it's funny how we can apply that to most people.

investiture today. parents didnt come, cos they were overseas.

a supposedly grand event.

only grand thing about it was the presence of the archbishop.

knocks and bruises to the heart.

just don't break it.

really appreciated the concern from my class today.

just really confused right now.

messed up.

solitude of home without parents. pleasant.

it seems the harder i think, the worse this gets.

maybe i'm the villian.

dreaming has ended.

i've now realised why i keep telling myself to keep it all inside. cos it's the times when you let it all out, that you're most vulnerable. perhaps letting people know you, is like lowering your guard. and if you let the wrong people know you, you could get hurt in the end. i do not want to be emotionally scarred.

if only we could all be numb to the pains and sufferings of life.

2006-07-16T22:30:00.000+08:00

Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end

this is one of those nights i guess.

fighting to let you go.

well. watched pirates. keira knightley does look like a guy!

johnny depp is like... whoo! he's a damn good actor la!

down to one last breath.

2006-07-15T22:00:00.000+08:00

whoo. study for the, shop for the, session for the passion.

today was tiring. first it was study at kap with joseph. shao joined us later. coincidentally, i met kaiquan there. haha. he's become so much more vocal. and he left before shao came, dammit. if not could have a mini 404 gathering. ahahaha! studying was pretty productive. i finished econs homework and half of geog homework. and that's many many essays. rahh!

and after experimentation with the camera. shao found out a way to make people look red. =/

joseph left for home and i went with shao to j8 for some shopping. or rather, window shopping. we never really got to buying anything.

and then it was session at about 5pm. whoo. stitch, azmil and ming yuen were there. zee left before i came. session was as productive as studying. and it was fun. especially after a long period of a lack of sessioning. and as usual. we became freakin camwhores!

stitch, mil and stix. haha. fun-ness. sms us anytime and we'll reply.

and there's azmil tying to steal the limelight. we're not happy. ahaha! kidding.

and now we re-arrange ourself. azmil, stix, stitch. ASS. =P

act cool S-es (asses). whatnever! (apparently, whatnever's the opposite of whatever. crazy back of the class boys english) act cool? naw need act la! =P

emo shit? naw la. just a for fun pic. i'm trying to be less emo anyways.

and that pretty much sums up the day.

i wanna watch pirates! i love johnny depp! no i'm not gay. =P

2006-07-15T01:30:00.000+08:00

it's going to be a long long journey.

baybeats today. the music wasnt the highlight of the day though. too many distractions.

shall blog more tomorrow. as for now, it's bedtime.

2006-07-12T23:55:00.000+08:00

nope. no straight As. got straight Fs instead.

somehow i want things all to work out. yet i know i'm not ready.

there's this barrier between me and kann. i remember me saying that we were different and all. our passions, beliefs have always been different. and maybe what was lacking was sincerity and comfort in expressing what i felt. maybe now's the right time?

well, i've long felt that kann is not a person i can share my troubles with. ok, i never really share them with anyone. at least not fully. kann on the otherhand, seems fully comfortable with pouring out all his sorrows. i kinda like it when people share stuff with me. and i guess that's one of the reasons why we can survive till now. then now i realise i have my own problems and i cant turn to anyone, not even my best friend. that makes me feel uncomforatble. and like roy said, being such close friends, we should be looking to each other for support instead of whatever's going on now.

ok. to be even more sincere. i feel that kann is just someone who likes to be in the limelight and all. the exaggeration of situations, especially in rugby and all. i think that's like a behavioral flaw since don't now when. but i'm extremely bothered by it. cos it seems to be that kann is trying to invite people to show pity. some injuries sustained from rugby aint that bad. then i remember how kann told me his body is breaking down and all. i somehow cannot connect with it cos i feel that it's exaggerated too. my conclusion was that kann was finding an excuse for his dwindling passion for rugby. and that's not a sin, but it bothers me. i'm not even sure if i'm right anyways. i just feel that kann dramatises too much and i am really uncomfortable with it. it has been so since sec 4 i guess, but back then, there was sji to tie us together. right now, cj isnt doing any good.

and then these few days, the rebellious nature is just making me feel extremely bothered too. what's with coming to school with shirt tucked out and a pissed off face. it's just so.. i dunno. oh yes, and this hit me like now. i remember kann coming to sit with julius, shamir, jason, myself and dont know who else. and just came to share about stuff that have completely no relation to anything. st pat's teacher don't know whatever stuff. kinda shows how kann likes to share. but i find it a bit weird and disturbing, cos it feels to me like kann is trying to fit in or something. or just trying to... i dunno. it just felt so wrong. kann discusses stuff that have no relation to the topic on the table sometimes. even on msn, sometimes the things he share just doesnt have anything to do with me. it's like trying to strike a conversation for the sake of it. and then i feel that because of it, talking to kann on msn just loses its meaning. i dont have to be asked how's my day everyday. i mean, maybe it's like concern or interest in my life, but it's such a generic question and my answer is usually generic too 'ok'. cos the question is so shallow it just defeats the purpose of having a conversation. and i guess there would be no point asking such a question too, after all, i don't share much of my life.

i guess i have my flaws too. kann's always there, i never share. time and again, kann has told me he's there to lend a ear or a crying shoulder. but i just like to keep to myself. maybe that contributed to all the problems so far. then i was thinking. i guess it's ok for me to reveal my life a little. and i know kann will probably not be able to help, but he doesnst need to i guess. just being there to listen would help a lot already.

i'm not perfect.
i'm sorry i can't be perfect.

i've revealed all i have to. let's see where things go from here.

i want to say it out loud. but i know i might be making a big mistake.
once bitten twice shy i guess.
i'm not even sure if what i'm feeling is all real.
after all, it could just be a rerun of the past.
but still, the feelings and emotions are so overwhelming.

'cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
it's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
you make me believe that there's nothing
in this world I can't be
i never know what you see
but there's somethin' in the way you look at me

trying to feel at ease.

the busy world wont affect my silent soul.

or at least i'm trying not to let it.

2006-07-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

ok, on the previous entry. really really sorry about all the emoness. it's not that i'm desperately in need of pity from others. cos that's really not what i want.

well. like i said, i'll wake up today and all will be fine. that's so true. i woke up today, shook the pain of and went along my quiet life in school. then every time i allowed alone, those feelings just rush back. but then i guess that's not important is it? after all, we're all more interested in matters of consequence.

i'm like just blogging to get it all out. oh yes, i run with stitch in the morning to get things off my mind. it's like putting those unhappy thoughts into some secluded part of my mind. but then they just resurface time and again. blame me for being so vulnerable to my own emotions.

i'm pretty appalled by the relationship now. we both have our problems but neither of us are sharing them now i guess. we're both caught up in our own little lives. whenever we talk, there's just nothing to say. nowadays i just don't agree with some stuff kann shares, but then again, who am i to question what he does. i feel so lousy. then kann's probably gonna tell me not to feel this way and all. and maybe he's gonna tell me how i can disagree with him. the point is that i don't know how anymore. or rather, i can't connect with anything he's saying nowadays. the words flash past my darkened mind, i don't see anything. i don't understand.

as usual, i'm pissed and depressed with the results. failed math and econs. gosh. what's happening?! i'm screwing up my life big time. i don't know what went wrong. i felt different before the exams, or rather the entire month of june. i was just too laid back. too over confident perhaps. i don't know what went wrong with me. i know myself well enough. i don't understand.

in the midst of all this, it's surprising that stitch is the one that knows what's going on and what i'm feeling. but then again, i don't always agree with his suggestions to help me cope with my problems. their just not my ideal ways of going about it. but then again, i know for one that i'm flawed, so stitch may be right, but i can't do his right. forever flawed. i can't take the advice stitch gives me all the time and i don't know why. maybe it's cos i know i'm flawed, or maybe cos it's not my way. i don't understand.

i want life to rewind. some people just cant suffer so much trauma. i'm one of those people. once was enough. take me back! it just had to come to this. i never expected it so. oh man. i feel like i'm repeating this. all the issues have been constantly transcended down through each blog entry so far. i must be boring the hell outta people. i just don't believe it's all happening again. maybe i'm just fickle. maybe it's a phase. i don't understand.

now i guess this entry is no different from the previous one.

thinking back on what timi said to mr tea. timi said he wanted to have no feelings. emotionless. at first i thought i was a bad idea. then again, right now, it seems to be a perfect solution for me. hmmm. solution. maybe it's an escape. oh man. i just dont understand. i just want to feel nothing right now. be at peace, away from all that suffering. i've now found out what's worse than physical torture. emotional suffering.

somebody kill me.

so much for not wanting to be emofied.

then maybe it's just because of the night. all my energies are drained, i feel so alone, so much time to think, the atmosphere is ideal for reflection. and maybe that's my life, a huge mess at the moment. i've just found the right moment to express that.

there's so much to say.
no one to say it to.
not because the ears are not listening.
the mouth is just not speaking.
the sobbing, stifled.
silence overwhelms.

i wish i could share all of this, especially to kann, but then again, i just can't bring myself to do it. i don't want to burden him, i don't feel the connection we once had to tell him what's going on inside my head. stitch has been real supportive these few days. some people are just involved in my whole whirlpool of thought and emotions. some people are not close enough, so i wouldn't be sharing my troubles with them. the bottomline is, i'm becoming the person i was a few years back.

sharing my pain with something that doesn't understand. i don't understand what i'm doing.

i'm revisiting the song lyric i posted up here not long ago.

I've been waiting for a good day
I've been holding back long enough
I've been hurting to tell you some things
it's not the falling of the temperature
that's making all our bones run cool
it's the breeze you make
the presence felt when you're around me

and it feels like I'm at an all-time low

all-time low. how about six feet under?

haha. no, i don't have suicidal tendencies, so i won't be killing myself anytime soon.

zee told stitch something. stitch told me. haha. sadly, i agree, we are indeed drifting apart. never knew zee realised it too.

the words are choke up my throat.
i want to say so much.
but every word i say becomes inaudible.
i've turned my back on myself.
you're never gone.
but i have a feeling i will be.

dance is again in doubt.

maybe i should just go to sleep. after all, i'll be alright tomorrow.

2006-07-11T00:00:00.000+08:00

day of disappointments.

did badly for certain mid year subjects.

at an all-time low.

stressed, depressed.

just earlier, wei kann was sharing his troubles with me. not that i don't care or am being indifferent, but i don't know how i can help with my own problems to solve. then again, i hope this doesnt stop him from sharing his problems. i'm always here for a listening ear. oh what the hell la, i'm contradicting myself.

sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders.

stressed with eom earlier. realised eom can be reshuffled to spell emo.

someone already hit the jackpot in guessing what was bothering me. or rather, ONE of what were bothering me tonight.

there are like 3 glasses overflowing with water.

if only water represented troubles.

i don't know why, but i always want to face things alone.

screwed up me i guess.

everytime i feel the pain, i let it out on some non-living thing. everytime i feel depressed, i take that deadly dose of sweetness. what bothers me so, i wish i could tell the world. then again, hermit seems like a better option at the moment. if isolation could heal all wounds, i would be gone forever. so close to swearing, then again, how would that help. screaming out the window, a useless cause. close to tears, and yet i know, what for?

never believed this would happen again. and the reasons so, i sometimes want to question. so uncertain once again. months ago seem like the present. how much i wish i could share it all. songs come into my mind. once again in a huge mess. maybe it's cos of the building of castles in the air. at a loss once again. maybe it's my tragic flaw.

if i could just see you, this darkness will turn to light.

i'm so incoherent.

maybe it's not that no one understands me, maybe i don't understand everyone.

i kinda figured out the reason for the drifting apart of me and kann. we lost the only thing that was holding us together, the common thing we felt a part of. sji. sji was like the glue between us. sji was the other side of us. if they were to write about, the story of our lives, they would have to mention sji, in every page they write. then again, maybe i'm wrong.

my turn to be overwhelmed by everything that's going on. then again, i know i'll try to feel ok the next day, go to school with a smile. everything just turns out ok. but i sometimes wonder how true it may be. cos once i'm left to the silence and solitude of the night, the troubles come pouring back.

to let go or hold on.

drowning.

running away, hiding somewhere in the night.

2006-07-09T21:30:00.000+08:00

national competition for my sjab juniors today. results weren't that good, but well, we should never be disheartened. for scorpio, i hope this is a meaningful experience as much as it may be painful. and let us not lose faith for next year. every comp is a whole new ball game.

i feel disappointed with myself. well, a little. maybe i wasnt that good a trainer for scorpio. well, blame me for not joining hq i guess, i've become very rusty. and then with all the extra commitment, i guess i was a little distracted too. and next year would be in doubt for me. ahhh! i feel so messed up.

on another subject, my mind is like a huge whirlpool now. that's after kian long said some stuff and after remembering what happened a few months ago.

oh well.

When you feel the sunlight
Fade into the cold night
Don't know where to turn
Ya don't know where to turn
And all the dreams you're dreaming
Seem to lose their meaning
Let me in your world
Baby, let me in your world

All you need is someone you can hold
Don't be sad, you're not alone

I will be here for you
Somewhere in the night
Somewhere in the night
I'll shine a light for you
Somewhere in the night
I'll be standing by
I will be here for you

In this world of strangers
Of cold and friendly faces
There's someone you can trust
There's someone you can trust
I will be your shelter
I'll give you my shoulder
Just reach out for my love
Reach out for my love

Call my name
And my heart will hear
I will be there, there's nothing to fear

I will be here for you
Somewhere in the night
Somewhere in the night
I'll shine a light for you
Somewhere in the night
I'll be standing by
I will be here for you

memories are just a part of life.

much of it just came flooding back today. memories of my ex-cca, memories of whatever happened a few months ago and stuff. still can't get them outta my head.

kianlong and joseph coming over soon i guess. they're coming over to watch world cup. i'm just gonna try to stop being emo before they come. =P

2006-07-09T11:00:00.000+08:00

image courtesy of justin.

we're all going to die of cannot breafe!

2006-07-06T21:00:00.000+08:00

went back to sji today. sji is really a sanctuary. everything in there is just so perfect to me. but then again, it's subjective. oh well, it's perfect to me, and i guess that's all that matters. walking in today, i felt that warmth and magic touch me and lift me once again. sji is indeed my sanctuary. the world may be in chaos, my life outside the walls of sji may be in a mess, but inside sji, i feel so at peace, so at home. yes, i know that maybe it's time to move on. sji is a thing of the past you might say, but to me, it's always a part of my life.

i went back to help out in sjab competition training as requested by ronney. before that, i went into the sanctuary within the sanctuary, the sji chapel. life these 6 months has not been as desirable as i had liked it to be. in fact, it's perhaps the 6 months in which i have had the most regrets. most of these months have been suffering under a facade of fun. back in the sji chapel, i was contemplating, reflecting. i decided to turn to God for help, for the first time in a very long time. God never had a place in my life for the past 6 months. perhaps that's why i've been suffering. then again, i know that it's also because of many other incidents that have occurred over the course of these months. i asked God to show me the way, to guide me through these tough times. as i closed my eyes and whispered my amen, i felt a surge of new found strength to carry on.

roy was outside the chapel with sjab. as i shared with him that i've had the most regrets these 6 months, and that i wish i could stay in sji, wish that i could turn back time, he said something that hit me. he said to me that i was escaping. yes, as simple as that. and i realised how right he was. i've been running away from these problems all the time. hiding pain through dance etc.

i shall look through Your eyes
and i shall find a better place somewhere out there

elsewhere, i hear sighs.

i don't know which side to stand on.

but i can tell right from wrong.

i'm sticking to the right side.

thinking it through, i realised...

i've only heard one side of the story.

but somehow i know that's enough.

after all, i've personally experienced how history does repeat itself.

i'm not surprised at the dynamics now.

i'm so not going to escape anymore.

so what are you gonna do about that? sue me?

music, another form of expression.

I've been waiting for a good day
I've been holding back long enough
I've been hurting to tell you some things
it's not the falling of the temperature
that's making all our bones run cool
it's the breeze you make
the presence felt when you're around me

i'm suddenly feeling how i did around 5 months ago.

but i'm not going to escape.

cjc's getting a bit better day by day. all i have to do is stop escaping i guess.

i'm going to die of cannot breathe. ahahahaha! (ok, pardon the bad english and bad place to put that phrase. but i just had to type that. jazryl's phrase that has kinda got justin and ben loong all hysterical. and perhaps it's the way we all say it that makes it funnier.)

ok, back to business. i think i've made up my mind. no more escaping. i'll make it through the rain. i'll find that better place somehwere out there. i'll see the path from this dark place. no more escapism in my life! rahh!

putting on those dancing shoes once again. but with a different vendetta.

slightly bruised and broken
from our head on collision

still waiting for a good day
still waiting for a good day

2006-07-06T00:40:00.000+08:00

don't know.

2006-07-04T23:30:00.000+08:00

looking back at the title of an entry a week or so back, i realise that it's indeed "all over again".

but i guess it's all just part of life.

today wasn't such a bad day.

for starters, gp was still as funny. hurhur. air crush.

went for a haircut with darren and yangyang after school. although few people could tell that i had it cut.

then i had council meeting. oh man. council. it's turning out to be a very stressful council term i guess.

dinner with part of the crew. wx pierced his....... tongue la. but still, i feel the pain for him man. ahhhh! pain pain.

still looking back at the previous entry.

stop.

time to look ahead.

2006-07-03T23:00:00.000+08:00

school reopens tomorrow.

the beginning, or the end
i'd never guess.

i have a feeling that i'm once again faced with a past experience i would never want to relive.
the problem is, i think i'm reliving it already.

i turned to dance to forget.
danced away the pain.
dance became that avenue of expression.
yet today as i danced, the avenue which used to be so vast, turned to a bottleneck.
one could never dance to forget.
one dances to remember.
and that's something i never wanted.

reliving that experience all over again.
i cannot believe it's found its way back into my life, worse still, into dance.

school reopens tomorrow.

i realise that i'm perhaps just in the big wheel of life.
just like a hamster running that wheel.
you keep running but you always find yourself in that same spot.

yet we never stop running, we never stop peddling on that bicycle of life.
saw this from linus' house: "life is like a bicycle, you don't fall off unless you stop peddling."
and then it hit me.
i'm trapped.

i'm not sure of what i'm going through.
worse still, i think it is affecting my academics.
it already has.
took a toll on my mid years.

maybe i should take a break from dancing.
ok, joke: take a BREAK from dancing.
(ok sorry not funny)
i'm not laughing either.

school reopens tomorrow.

oh no, it's not cos of school that i feel so screwed up inside.

joseph sent me a break beat.
it's great.
but i just couldn't dance to it.
it's a beat i wanted quite badly, but now that i have it, i can't appreciate it.
i guess that's true in more than one way.
as true for me as it may be for you.

dania's performance yesterday.
oh yes, it sure made me feel worse for saying she couldn't sing.
or rather, that those rockers at kindred could sing better.
as usual, i was wrong.
point is, the guilt is still there.
the performance yesterday was really really spectacular.
i guess it could be described as "flying without wings".
and maybe cos that's the song that's playing right now.

school reopens tomorrow.

i'm not even sure whether to look forward to it or not.

maybe i'm not that great a friend after all.
i've been so detached from wei kann these few days, weeks, months.
and then kann will probably tell me that it's not my fault.
please don't tell me that.
i'm going to find that right path once again.

school. that word is just stuck in my head.
am i beginning to dread it now?
why?

i'm still thinking.
has dance let me down and brought the demons of my life back into it.
or is this just another part of life's many challenges.
somehow i want to swear at all of this, but i shall refrain from it.

the lights die out.
yet the music plays on.

2006-07-01T02:00:00.000+08:00

he has his head in his hands, tears down his cheeks.

in more ways than one.

midyears over, oral is here!

2006-06-29T23:23:00.000+08:00

oh man! i'm so screwed. tmr is a lvls chinese oral. die die die! my standard of chinese is seriously low. and furthermore, i just got demoralised by the chinese mid year paper. and to top it all off, i was informed of the oral on tuesday and the oral is bloody tomorrow! dead! rahh! i don't wanna blog anymore! feels weird blogging on the laptop. rahh!

malfunction

2006-06-27T20:00:00.000+08:00

my com died on me! oh man! so i'm now using my sister's com to blog. sad...

exams have been ok so far. i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail chinese though.

i have yet to study for geog. oh man. i am so going to get killed on thursday.

lazy to blog already. i dont feel comfortable blogging on my sister's com.

all over again.

2006-06-23T00:30:00.000+08:00

oh man. lltc 06 today was so... emotional. -cried-.

not going home today. staying over at sji.

a love so strong.

2006-06-22T00:00:00.000+08:00

i was just about the blog this entry when i got pissed with my mom. kinda just spoilt my whole night/morning. got a huge reprimanding for not being able to balance my work and outside stuff. oh yeah, not balancing. i kinda asked them to show me some evidence of how im not balancing, and they just avoided the question. so freakin pissed. and to think i've worked hard during my first few months to not give them a reason to be disappointed. this sucks. i guess i should just go fail my mid years, after all, that's just what they think will happen.

not gonna sleep the entire night/morning till tmr night. there's soccer tonite and then there's lltc tmr morning all the way till late night. funness.

ok. no mood to blog anymore. rahh!

accomplished.

2006-06-20T22:00:00.000+08:00

heritage play wasnt as good as i expected, but still, mesage was brought across. well done facils.

sessioned with stitch and zee today. oh yeah. new synchro.

did something cool today. i feel proud about it but others would just call it plain stupid. oh well. nonetheless, it was cool. and only stitch knows about it. coolio.

zeal and love inspired.

2006-06-19T22:30:00.000+08:00

woo! today at sji was fun yet tiring. i felt so young again. the moment i arrived, it was straight down to work. wrapping presents! or rather wrapping jigsaw pieces made of styrofoam. large large jigsaw puzzle pieces. fun! lol. then we spray painted em before i left for home. oh yes. i felt like i was in sjab again as well. all the running around doing first aid. oh man! so tiring. i felt so weird la. i hope i did a good job. lol. im supposedly rusty in my first aid after months of abstanence from it. oh well.

dammit, i tink im gonna go kill kassandra. why u tell huiren that i told u that i thought her hair looked fake! =P oh man. i hope i made sense. niahaha! hmm. maybe kassandra didnt say anything. oh man, the gymnasts stole the lltc food. wahaha! nvm, lltc, sharing the love. =P alvan's hair is too freakin long!!! dammit, im gonna beat that!!

went to session with stitch and zee today. good session. everyone's improving from what i can see! yes! im gonna so get my 2nd round of windmill!

watsons sell good stuff. haha. im gonna go to watsons more often.

can you feel it

walk the talk.

2006-06-19T01:00:00.000+08:00

it's lltc 06 tmr. challenge your boundaries. cant wait for the whole camp to begin. so exciting. haha.

talkin to roy about sji-sjab.
yes, my ex-cca.
the future of it looks pretty bright and lovey dovey.
hopefully i dun get let down.

finished reading othello.
the usual shakesperean dramatic tragedy.
im wondering if it's possible for such a tragedy to transcend to our time.
possible.

my mind's a blank.
im always worn out at night. haha.
i guess it's off to bed soon.

she was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
in the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

choice.

2006-06-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

hurtful comments vandalised my joint blog. well, all i gotta say is that friends are chosen. i've made my choice and i stand by it. i somehow feel that i might get some criticism from this, but i guess im prepared, after all... i've made that choice.

itunes on shuffle mode.
a song kinda came on.
i've wanted to delete that song, cos it brings back some bad memories. ok, maybe not bad, but it's definitely a memory i don't want to relive.
someone take me back to sji. missing 404, the havoc, the heaven, the heaps of homework, the happy happy moments. oh man.

haven't been sessioning for the past 2 days. it's been mugging for me. ok, and shopping too (oh man, i slacked, but it isnt a sin rite!).

article on argentina's 6-0 win over serbia on the newpaper was nice.
other pages showed the defeats, memorable one being ivory coast's defeat to netherlands.
the sharing of triumph and defeat. uplifting. saddening.
im tearing. i feel the heat. i feel the cold.
no wonder they call it the world cup fever.

the song plays again.
deleted.
listening up for what's next.

don't say it will stay this way forever
don't say it will stay this way forever
i sometimes wonder if it's really over.

there's a long silence.
magic just doesn't happen everyday.

short one-liners. they say so little yet so much.
kinda tells you i havent got much on my mind eh.
or maybe too much that i just cant express.
(i've gotta password my blog.)

just stop. stop for a moment.

2006-06-15T12:00:00.000+08:00

whoaaa. days have been passing way too fast for me. i've really gotta slow down. todae ended just like dat. seriously too fast. i love life too much to let it pass so fast. then again, maybe this is just how time flies while you're having fun.

the best bboys in singapore smoke. gosh. nono, im not gonna start smoking. haha!

i finally took some time off to be frank with wei kann, hopefully he understands where i'm coming from when i wrote that mini essay for him. (and no, it's not a gay love message... assholes. lol)

i realised the previous blog entry wasnt sensible at all. i guess my blog entries are becoming more and more superficial.. as compared to how i blogged back at sec 3. yikes. i guess it's due to the lack of reflection nowadays. and so im trying very hard to give this entry that magical touch again. i dun tink it's coming out though. (oh nono, im not trying to make it an emo entry... =P)

on the topic of reflection and stuff, cjc's ltc hardly brought about the real spirit of reflection. everytime im reminded of reflection... (no i dun tink of a mirror)... i kinda am reminded of lltc (as usual). sji is just irreplacable.

have been called back by the sji-sjab sec 3s to help train them. im not very confident in my methods of training anymore. times have changed, i have changed. im no longer as confident as i was, and i find it pretty difficult to help them. well, i've tried, how much help i've been of, im not sure. but im sure others like roy would be of more help, after all, roy's gonna like return as an officer.

and then lately, there's dance. sessioning for the passion. that's basically what consumes most of my time. i wonder whether im spending my time wisely dancing it away. maybe i should study more, dance less. maybe. maybe it's striking a balance.

stitch is kinda emo these few days. i understand his pains, but im kinda at a lost of how to advise him other than offering him a listening ear. cheer up stitch!

dania says to blog abt her. thick skinned... thank you for the curry puff. but now you owe me a macs student's meal!!! ahahaha! pls keep popping! pls dun slack! pls find a solution for your internet connection! ahahaha! and no you will not steal my birthday present! get funding from hq and buy your own, then get more funding for a macdonald's student's meal! i am so gonna out-krump you! =P naw la naw la. LDLD!

ok, back to stopping for a moment. england match starting soon, i hope they lose. hehe. limited time to stop for the moment.

east vs west vs stix

2006-06-15T00:00:00.000+08:00

gosh. i'm so inspired to chiong my bboying after todae. everyone's so good!!! it was demoralising for a while, then i concluded that they were all burnable. so im gonna burn em one day. haha. one day.

1990s, windmill, here i come!!!

let me go home...

2006-06-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

yes! im finally home from camp. ok. i shall try not to do a summary of the camp, cos dat's probably gonna so bore everyone out.

ok. what i hated about camp. squeezing multiple lectures into one day. gosh, dat almost bored everyone to death! and the external trainers werent very good either (sad to say). i particularly do not agree with leading through fear. where has servant leadersip gone to?! what the external trainers r teaching are conflicting my lasallian values and lasallian leadership. rahh! and then there's no such thing as teaching leadership. u bring out the best in a person, u give tools for a person to lead, but u cannot teach leadership. and then the trainers said something about leading through admiration. the example they gave was how ronaldo cut his hair after he scored a brazillian world cup goal and how everyone else had the same haircut. erm... yo.. are u sure that's leadership? that's far from it man!

ok. second day was much better except for the weather. but there was something during reflections on day 3 or something that kinda disappointed me. a question was raised by one of the teachers. he/she asked whether leadership or the environment played a bigger role or sumthn along those lines. well, environment did play a big role in foiling plans on the second day, but hey, maybe things would work out better if there was a wet weather programme?

finally, day 3 was just crappy. i didnt wanna say anything so as not to dampen anyone's spirits. the trekking was a bit... dunno wad to say. we had to trek for 5 over hours around serangoon. well, i wouldnt mind the trekking, if only it had some purpose in bringing out the leadership otential in people and stuff. i just didn get what isaac lim was saying about "testing" the leaders. test what?! how they handle pressure? well, if that's all that was tested in 5 over hours, that's some real sad test. gosh, i so miss LLTC's journey with a dream. it would be such a better replacement for the trekking. and we had to walk into the sea early in the day wand then walkaround all wet and yucky. (oh yes, the seawater and soil also kinda soiled my hang ten shoes. thank God it's clean now. and thank God again, the shoe was only ten bucks.)

ok. i shant complain more. after all, the "test" on day 3 was supposed to see how much we complained and how it would cause us to crumble.

my group was great, i dun blame my group for anything. the time spent with them was hella good! but im just disappointed by how the camp was planned. iggy and moses kinda described the camp as anal. lol.

i gotta say, some teachers really need to put themselves in the position of students. (i shant go on in case i say something that might get my head severed.)

and finally i get to dance. fuyo is freakin good!!! rahh! im so gonna dance so hard i'll beat em one day!! rahh rahh rahh!!!

goodbye... for 5 days

2006-06-04T22:00:00.000+08:00

dang. i'm leaving for camp tomorrow. 5 days!!! gosh! i haf no idea how i'm gonna survive 5 days without dancing.

i doubt i'll be allowed to break. lol. i can picture a teacher going like: "you're being a hazard to everyone and yourself!"

ohwell. maybe i can have midnight sessions with stitch. =P

or maybe i can use time wisely and pop. pop everywhere i go. then return from camp and out-pop all the other poppers in fbc. =P (ok, i'll keep dreaming)

i had to cut my hair for camp! OHMYGOSHIEEE!!! MY HAIR! it's like so short now! i need a hat!

hopefully my hair grows longer fast!!

ho no. me and stitch hold the music and the speakers. shud haf passed em to someone else not going for camp, else everyone else cant session... why didnt i tink of it earlier.

ho no. am gonna miss farhan's lesson on tuesday! i need my weekly dose of farhan. i need to be inspired to breakdance more!

ok, im gonna master my windmill by the end of june. dammit. im wondering if it's possible.. stitch hasnt mastered his...

i airbrushed my hoodie! it's sooo nice! lol.

yes! pls say it's nice!

urgh. 5 days without my handphone. im so gonna die! lack of communication! it's a disease! ppl soon have got to realise that youths our age cant live through more than a day without our phones. ahahaha! taking away our phones is like taking a part of our body away! the handphone's a new appendage to the human body!

0hwell. this is one of my longer entries since the vince saga. haha.

im gonna pop till i drop during camp la. wait. naw la naw la.
i've got an idea! pop in the day and break at night. lol. everyone's so gonna tink im crazy!

all my bags are packed, im not sure if i'm ready to go...

And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

flo' bandits crew

2006-06-03T23:30:00.000+08:00

ok. im officially announcing that im in flo bandits crew. fbc.

pls visit http://flo-bandit-nation.blogspot.com

session for the passion.
soap for the dope.

england beat jamaica 6-0. crouch made a hat trick. dammit.

but england is not gonna win the world cup! no way!

omg, im at wei kann's house. no space to practice my windmills.

but can pop. haha.

im gonna be better than dania in popping.

time for ice cream. =P

justin's smart idea.

2006-05-23T22:00:00.000+08:00

ok. before i start, i gotta thanks justin for making me do this, cos it gave me an inspiration.

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. The tagged victims have to come up with eight different points of his/her perfect lover.
2. Have to mention the gender of his/her perfect lover.
3. Tag eight other victimes to join this game and leave a comment on their blog.
4. If you are tagged the second time, there's no need to do this AGAIN.
5. Lastly, most importantly, HAVE. FUN. DOING

ok. here goes step 1.

1. be of perfect height. somewhere around vince's height. afterall, i tink that's the perfect height. look at vince's anatomy, perfect.

2. be damn good looking. pls, im not shallow. when u compare vince with everyone else, u'll start realising wad u're missing out on. perfect lover must haf perfect looks, like vince. (i kinda remember vince saying that he looks better without glasses. i dunno. but if he does, isnt he saying he looks good now... and better without glasses. whoo. i've found the perfect lover).

3. strong and muscular... like vince again. he's gonna do 8 unassisted pull ups by the end of august. watch out for him man!!! whoo. hot. the next kar ken.

4. must wear transition lens glasses. once again... like vince. i mean, everyone shud want a lover that can protect himself/herself first. so there you have it.

5. have cool hair. an example would be vince's 30 dollar hair cut. and then he has hair full of gel... so punk la. skateboard ramp hair. if u noe wad i mean. the one that slopes upwards at the front. whoo!

6. sensitive. vince is the sensitive lover. he gives in to his girlfriend many many times and he always accomodates her. wow.

7. someone that will always stand up for you. like how vince will always stand up for his girlfriend despite them being together or after a break up. irresistable!

8. u noe wad, just learn from vince and u'll be a perfect lover.

ok. step 2.

perfect lover has to be the vince gender. hmmm. i dunno wad gender that is (niahahaha).

step 3.

8 other ppl? hmmm. wad if they all dun haf blogs. wei kann, blackheart bishop, mikki mister the jester, bboy stitch, joseph, linus, kian long.... justin is gonna kill me for this... justin.

step 4.

dammit. justin doesnt haf to do it again. can i change justin to vince now? =P

ok. this is just a joke, dun get angry vince.

ok. i decided to strikeout everything. i dun want this to be the cause for more conflict. (=

and the winning answer..... world peace! =P

vince's idea of the bad binni

2006-05-22T22:45:00.000+08:00

well, i n've neva gotten to noe the bad binni, cos i only noe the best binni. one who has loads of charisma, selflessness and is extremely hardworking. i can say all these from the 2 years of him being a classmate and another 2 years of us working together unedr the sji peer support board. it's been an honour.

ok. why am i saying all this? pls refer to vince's entry regarding binni. here's a summary. binni wrote on his blog that vince took his place in canoeing. vince replies that "Hey, I fight for it and I earn it fair and square. I even speak to the teachers personally. I always believe that if you want something, go earn it. Not sit back and expect it to come to you naturally."whoaaa. someone very proactive eh. i wonder where that quality went in making proper resolutions to the conflict we had. pls refer to 2 entries back on my blog. "conflict resolution". whoaaaa. guess who initiated a resolution, the "perverse" and "ungentleman"-ly guy. aniwaes, back to binni. have u, vince, ever considered that binni might not have been laid back? maybe he was actualy trying to get in, just not trying to be... hmmmm... desperate? (im leaving the question mark there).

alrite, vince, remember this? "Perhaps you are just getting the thrill of involving in a conflict which is totally perverse." u said it. now look who's trying to involve himself in a conflict. mmmm.. no elaboration needed i guess.

"I shall not blog about you any more in the future and I hope you don't give me reason to blog about you." - quoted from vince's blog. whoaaa. contradiction here. i hope u're smart enuf to notice the oxymoronic use of language here.

"If you still think I took your place, then I thank you then." ok... i haf no idea wad it means. i shall try to apply it in my context: thanks for insulting my friend (binni), vince. ok... it just sounds retarded.

oh yes.. something i've wanted to say for a pretty long time. vince, why dont u try putting up a tag board on ur blog.. just a suggestion. (=

and i shall end of with: I shall not blog about you any more in the future and I hope you don't give me reason to blog about you. =P

lost and lost

2006-05-19T22:45:00.000+08:00

arsenal lost to barcelona. well, from the way they played (and the way they played with 10 men), they so deserved to win). i felt that they were undoubtedly the better team that day. later in the day, i lost my wallet. urgh. SO FRIGGIN SAD!!! i lost my wallet with my ic, ezlink card, posb card, sji oba card, 80+ bucks. omg omg. im so gonna break down and cry la!!! rahh! im praying hard some kind soul returns it soon. after this week, im gonna haf to lodge a police report on my ic. till then, im hoping my wallet will find its way back to me.

breaking a real lot these few days. hopefully it doesnt affect my studies. but well, of cos it will la, i mean, breaking everyday. no time to study and all. praying hard i'll pass my tests. gp mid year next week. i haf no idea how to study for gp. hmmm. dun study? break? hehe. =P

i got into council, but i hafnt done anythn related to council. i feel so slack! someone pl give me sumthn to do soon!! i dun wanna be a useless councillor. altho i tink i haf to go cut my hair and look more guai. =P

ok, the vince saga is probably over. maybe that's y i've stopped blogging for a while. heehee.

ohwell. got loads of stuff going on in my head recently. dunno wad to do. dunno wad to say. i guess i wont blog abt them. well, i neva do. dun wanna indulge in self-pity now. rahh! i shall always look on the bright side of life, da dum da dum dadumdadumdadum. =P

conflict resolution

2006-05-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

ok. i dun wanna let this conflict go on. so here's the resolution.

dun cause me or my friends trouble again, and i wont cause you any trouble.

by the way, u gotta thank the person u called an "uncivil man"and who has done the "worst thing" for making me give this conflict a resolution. (quotes from vince)

wow. the person whom u called uncivil and doing the worst stuff is helping u. paradox here. i tink it's a message telling me that ending the conflict is uncivil and that it's the worst thing to do. but oh well, since i'm the "bitch", one of the "childish people", "perverse" and "ungentleman"ly, i guess it's only my fault that im ending this conflict.

altho i haf to admit that i detest the way u talk abt ronald as a dog. dat's like sooooo the right thing to do huh. well, i guess i cant comment on that, i mean, im not mr perfect, but im sure someone else is.

aniwaes, im just thinking.... i was wondering why daryl called debbie a "whore". i mean, im sure he wouldnt do it for no reason... but then again, u claim that daryl is "uncivil", so... i wouldnt noe. maybe he is the uncivil one, maybe someone else is.

and then im wondering, whether WX told jasmine abt a prank he played on u first, or did u tell her that WX rapes girls first. just another thought. no need for answering, unless u want to.

also, im having this thought... why are u imitating ronald's animal references. he calls u a lamb and u call him a dog. is this animal kingdom coming to life? and then u're beginning to try to quote like ronald too. wow. copycat? or are the gay tendencies finally resurfacing (as said by ronald). lol. just wondering.

finally, im kinda pondering over why ur blog is named such. "The Book In The Iceberg", and then the URL is "http://frozen-hearted.blogspot.com/". frozen hearted. hmmm. does it reflect anythn abt u? i dun wanna answer that, u dun haf to either. ;)

alrite then. i'll keep it to just thoughts, so i wont bother answering those thoughts. and so there can be no conflict... rite? i mean, afterall, it's not wrong to think... is it? (=

v for vince 3 (comedy sequel, inspired by scrawny)

2006-05-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

ok. janice says today is happy post day. so here's my happy post. (=

happy.

ok. im confused. as always. vince says:

"Never mind, I had long not bother about anything, if they want to go against me, I'm fine with it."

then later he says:

"Anyway ZX, I won't start up any untruthful fact about anyone. Perhaps you should think again who is the victim in this. And regarding the SJI thing, I don't care who are those people who dislikes me." etc etc

so... im confused. seriously. u "had long not bother about anything", and then u comment more on the matter. hmm. i give up. someone help me figure this out.

ok. vince tells me i should "think again who is the victim in this."

thinking. hmmm. victim. well, i gotta be truthful. (sorry, this part a bit angsty). well, many people who dont like u are probably victims of ur attitude and personality flaws. confused? well.. how bout the uncanny arrogance. i mean.. it's just weird. "Must train hard. I believe we can make it to the top together, with just 2 of us alone." (ego!) "How great when I, being the one being bitched about in his blog actually confronted him nicely on the phone and talk to him in a nice tone rather than raising my voice." (ego filling up fast) "I am fine with any project that I am confident with getting an A" (ego surplus) "Perhaps you can say WX asked for it" (wow. mr ego is now mr judge) "he should go for singing classes and not bursting our ear in class" (erm. american idol judge too?!) "IQ is not determined by academic result but simply, the proper use of the brain that God had given to you"(here comes the philosopher) "Don't let childish people delay our progress to be better people, afterall, they won't be of much help if we befriend them but just hold us back" (ego overflow, insight as to what he thinks of friends too!)

and then there's the 'I AM THE PERFECT GUY' attitude. here's some quotes from ronald's blog:

""that's a very immature assumption to make."
Mr. Mature"

""Maybe his (Tim) IQ has failed him badly"
Vince don't you dare question anybody's IQ other than yourself! I mean, look at you! Haha!"

""But this break didn't ended well, we had a quarrel. She (Debbie) is insensitive enough to approach Joshua and confirm with him if he really had gotten E, O, E for his exam. "
Most sensitive boyfriend award.

"I just got quite fed up that she (Debbie) is so insensitive"
If you were so sensitive, you wouldn't put up your daily quarrels on your blog with your girlfriend! Oh come on!"

im sure i've put up enuf. lol. need i say more? scrawny's quotes are kinda self-explanatory.

ok, time for more quotes from vince:

"Anyway ZX and WH, maybe you all should open up your ears and listen to what others got to say about you."

erm, yah, so what haf others gotta say abt me? i mean, no one said i was resistant to criticism. at least im willing to find out what's wrong and change accordingly.

"And regarding you standing up for D. Haha, that's the most comical part."

someone pls explain the joke to me.

"I believe the rules will always stand by those who are righteous and justice."

more examples of mr perfect. "righteous and justice". lol. im laughing at how you woukld verbalise this. 'hey dude, im very justice okay!"

"Perhaps you can say WX asked for it"

i still cant get over this one. i wonder who's asking for what. lol.

"It's always someone who started it and I believe it is human instinct to defend for myself."

again, im confused. so u're saying someone else started the rumour and you want to defend yourself from someone else's rumour? erm, someone clarify. ohhh. wait. u're saying someone started a rumou abt u or sumthn, so u're fighting fire with fire. hmm, care to share who started what rumour on you?

and here's my favourite quote:

"Perhaps you are just getting the thrill of involving in a conflict which is totally perverse."

so that's wad u tink of ppl who go against u in one way or another. gosh, then considering the number of conflicts u haf with ur girlfriend.... that's some perverse shit! im apalled u tink of my involvement in the conflict as a thrill. wad the hell. pls dun forget who's mr act big in sji. "hi zixiang!" punches him in the chest and tries to wrestle him. that's a nice salutaion. then mr act big goes around skool and goes "i went out with (insert a girl's name here pls) yesterday, blablabla". there were some names, but i dun remember. was there a ruth? hmmm. wonders. mr perfect boyfriend having some flaws now?

backtracking a little:

"Something that I WAS TOLD BY SOMEONE. I don't start up rumours, but I just say what I heard."

so who told u WX was raping girls? LOL.

"Zx, I had never hated you or dislike you till you commented about me because of T's stupid action of blogging about others."

well, i neva hated u till tim posted up that msn conversation. some ironic inversion there.

ok. i no more to blog abt alr. ronald kinda tied up the loose ends.

anyway, i kinda wanna "listen to what others got to say" about me, so since u seem to imply that you've heard stuff abt me, pls share. (=

v for vince 2 (my sequel come out faster than the movie's)

2006-05-06T22:30:00.000+08:00

ok. here's part 2 of everything. i tink vince's blog is getting kinda public. (wow, just after i searched for my name on google... LOL... yes i noe, boh liao). aniwaes, vince had numerous comments on wad i blogged abt. here goes:

"Anyway Zx, I didn't go around spreading that Wenxiang goes around raping girl." bla bla bla bla. "Something that I WAS TOLD BY SOMEONE. I don't start up rumours, but I just say what I heard."

well well, so i guess im not in the wrong to blog abt wad someone else says abt u right. i mean, if it's alrite to tell someone wad someone else said abt wen xiang, then i guess it's alright for me to blog on wad someone else (tim swee) has said abt you. (ok, commercial break. so that means that the "someone" that's been tagging shud follow vince's example... stop finding fault in me blogging abt wad i've heard from someone else abt vince).

next quote from vince's blog:

"Anyway, you said that you don't know Debbie and I were together at that time, but I was just wondering, even if we are not together, I still got the right to stand up for my friend who was being called a "whore" by a SJI boy."

gosh, how'd i noe whether you're still her friend man. lol. but let's say i even assume she was your friend, then ur next statement has a fallacy. (=

here's the next statement:

"Maybe Zx, you shouldn't stood up for Daryl in the first place, calling a girl a "whore" is the worst thing that you can ever do to insult her."

well, u said u were standing up for a friend, and now u say i shoudn't have stood up for daryl (a friend). oh well... im confused. are you? lol.

oh yes, before i go on. im really honoured by this quote made by vince:

"I was inspired by Zx's blog anyway. "

hoho. wow.

aniwaes, i tink this whole incident has kinda inspired me to blog more. so since vince has been inspired by me, i gotta say that he has inspired me too! whoa! lol!

gosh, i find it hard to say, but i guess i haf to. erm, vince, u shud realise that no one has really liked u since ur time in sji. i get weird comments from ppl on msn in response to ur msn nick (the one abt zx and r... lol). here's an example:

.:: >> Its a now or neva kinda thingz << ::. * -_- * says:
u suan vince isit ?
.:: >> Its a now or neva kinda thingz << ::. * -_- * says:
good job lol
- bboy stix. passion. dance. style. burn. says:
lol
.:: >> Its a now or neva kinda thingz << ::. * -_- * says:
i'll support ya!

(didnt use the full nick to try to protect the guy, dunno whether it helps.. lol)

here's another example:

[T.C] .: says:
is vince talking bout u in his msn nick?
[T.C] .: says:
"R and ZX"
- bboy stix. passion. dance. style. burn. says:
i guess so. lol.
- bboy stix. passion. dance. style. burn. says:
i kinda pissed vince off wad
[T.C] .: says:
gd job

lol. i tink i dun haf to provide more examples. im sure u wudnt wanna hear wad ronald, alvan, or anyone else for that matter, has to say.

found something interesting though. wee hoe has a blog. here's a short extract:

"To VINCE,

I really hope, you know what to do and what not to do. I know everything about you, you know that. 408 people are all here. Think twice before action. This will be my Ultimatum."

and i used to think they were friends. perhaps i was wrong, or perhaps they WERE friends.

it's becoming a seemingly obvious fact that there are more ppl against u vince. i aint got much advice for u, cos i noe im not perfect either, but at least try to find out wads the reason behind all the hating yah? i noe u dun like me cos of wad i posted on tim's blog. well, i dont take it back cos i didnt tink the conversation with tim was very nice. neither did i tink u used the right method to solve the situation regarding daryl. and i didnt tink u did the right thing regarding rumours u've heard on wen xiang. and lastly, i tink before u blog abt me again, u shud really find substantial arguments on the above. and pls dont tell me u tink u did the right thing. cos it would be like "hey, i told tim he's a loser, he's balding and he's an ass, that's the right thing to do." "hey, i called daryl mr despo and told him to get a life, that's right too." "oh hey, did u hear, wen xiang rapes girls.. i passed on a very absurd and a potentially detrimental rumour, i did the right thing". oh, and i kinda expect a "THEY STARTED IT" reply. maybe u might wanna think of WHY they started it? (that's if they did start it in the first place).

ok, i've blogged more than my share, pls check out ronald's blog in the near future for an affiliated sequel. lol.

list of blogs (links are here.. im sure u can see that) that u might wanna visit in relation to this whole topic:

Vince the patron's blog

Vince's ex-friend Wee Hoe

the vicTIM?.. maybe just Tim

the probable affiliated sequel, here at ronald's blog

ok. im sure ppl normally just walk out of the cinema when they screen the credits, so u can just click on one of the links i've provided above and exit this cinema here. lol. (=

v for vince. (you're supposed to get all scared)

2006-05-05T23:30:00.000+08:00

ok. i was bored. real bored. so i searched my name on google. guess wad i stumbled upon. vince's blog. apparently, i made a comment on tim's blog which i guess vince kinda read.

ok, here's the scenario. i've heard that there's like a huge war going on in tim swee's class, vince's class (they're from the same class, i hope u managed to get that. lol). so i kinda found tim's blog thru ronald's blog (i clicked on a link to tim's blog from ronald's.. duh!). read the entry on the msn conversation between tim, vince and debbie.

here's a little extract (i hope u can deduce which is vince and which is tim):

Tim just cant stop being an ass and comment about other people relationship in his blog--->Bitchy him going all over it again says:
try looking in the mirror when you bath and check you have anything missing
Tim just cant stop being an ass and comment about other people relationship in his blog--->Bitchy him going all over it again says:
jsut a precaution
TiM- says:
hmm...
TiM- says:
okay. and?
Tim just cant stop being an ass and comment about other people relationship in his blog--->Bitchy him going all over it again says:
becuz you seem to be missing something that you should have
Tim just cant stop being an ass and comment about other people relationship in his blog--->Bitchy him going all over it again says:
i am tellign you as a friend
Tim just cant stop being an ass and comment about other people relationship in his blog--->Bitchy him going all over it again says:
lol
Tim just cant stop being an ass and comment about other people relationship in his blog--->Bitchy him going all over it again says:
anyway, since ass=donkey
Tim just cant stop being an ass and comment about other people relationship in his blog--->Bitchy him going all over it again says:
then ass is not a vulgarities

my gosh. lol. reading the conversation is like reading a 5 year old scolding a j1. nice try with the sarcasm vince. "i'm telling you as a friend". that's rather nice. "hey friend, you're balding." (no offence to tim here), just illustrating my point on vince being such an honest and great friend. and then there's the kiddy remarks. ass = donkey. wtf. lol. im laughing at it. seriously. that phrase kinda reminds me of primary skool. "ORRRH!! say bad word, i tell teacher!", and then here comes vince defending himself. "dun tell teacher!! i never say bad word! ass = donkey!". LOL. retardedly hilarious. im lost for words. and good work with the english there vince. "ass is not a vulgarities". grammar full marks there!

ok. so i made a comment on tim's blog entry against vince. but before that, this was wad scrawny (ronald) commented:

"Hey Tim. Ronald here. I truly believe that Vince himself typed that crap in ur entry. Its so him. I give u my full support against scum and vermin. Please people who are reading this right now, lets not allow a cur to represent our school in Council. Tim is so much a better choice. Vince Tan u not happy come find me. I would be more than happy to see u destroy your life and reputation even more. Good luck with election Tim."

now for my comment (after ronald commented):

"Hey Tim. Zixiang here, and even though I'm running for Council too, i say vote for Tim. Would you want to have someone like Vince representing you in Council? To me, it would be disastrous. And I'm totally supportive of Tim putting up the msn conversation here, else we would be oblivious to Vince's crafty and demeaning actions. And scrawny is darn right when he says "I give u my full support against scum and vermin." I would do so too. From an sji boy's perspective at Vince (anither sji boy), i would feel ashamed to proclaim to everyone that Vince is from sji. Maybe Tim isn't the one with the problem. I mean, don't you (Vince) see that there are more people finding problems with you than with Tim? Ok, said what I wanted to say. LOL. Gd luck with election Tim. (="

ok. now here's wad vince posted on his blog against me and ronald. it's gonna be lengthy.

"Zixiang and Ronald, I think we had different definition of a disgracing SJI boy. Perhaps you two should look at yourselves and ask yourselves how much shame and disgrace you have brought to your Alma Mater. Ronald is just another thick skin little boy who refused to admit to his mistake that he skipped lecture and was caught by the teacher. I'm just doing my part as a student of integrity and discipline by submitting your name to the teacher when she asked for it. He being immature as always, turn the whole class against me. Fortunately, the class is wise enough to differentiate who is in the wrong. So in what way a boy who go strictly with the school rules a disgrace to his Alma Mater? Maybe this will be clear to people out there who have a wrong idea of what "disgracing" actually means. Anyway Zixiang, have someone tell you that you have a long nose? Why must you stick your nose to other people business? The day you show me the sms that Daryl Tay forwarded to you and make comments about me doing it, maybe you should asked yourselves how you would react when some guy call your girlfriend a "whore". Sadly, your answer to me that day was that "this is their problem, you should not interfere". Girls out there, perhaps this is a good scenario reflecting what a "GOOD" guy Zixiang is. Someone who won't stand up for you when you are bullied, someone who will just coward away when you have trouble, someone who is more concern about his own image than your reputation. You call me a disgrace to SJI in Tim's blog, perhaps you should ask yourself how proud have you done SJI so far by being such a un-gentleman. Ancherle made the right choice to go for another guy who at least looks decent and gentleman to me."

i tink ronald can defend himself. but as for me, here's wad i gotta say in response to that blog entry. (oh yes, i dun tink vince meant the long nose literally, lol. well, i hope not, cos if it was literal... well, u guess the rest). aniwaes, daryl's a friend, so i kinda stood up for him by confronting vince. vince sent daryl a hostile sms telling him to get the hell away from his girlfren and to stop being so despo (paraphrased). well, wasnt a very nice thing to do. ok, abt daryl calling debbie a whore and all, he told me it was in a fit of anger. even if it was not, c'mon, vince and debbie are like together, then not, then together, then not. it's so confusing on when they are supporting one another and when they're enemies. so keeping to the worst case scenario (they broke up), i confronted vince on the basis that he wasnt with debbie anymore. my assumption was that they had alr broken up (i was wrong, bad sources, my bad). that's y i told vince that "this is their problem, you should not interfere". i had the impression that they were not together, but who knew. i mean, with such an inconsistent relationship, hell man.

and erm, disgrace to sji? i love sji more than life itself, i can almost bet my life on that. and with the kind of conviction i haf shown the skool in my four years, and the actual proof of my conviction is so tangible, for someone to question it is just an insult to me. im not trying to brag or anything here, yes i may haf had my successes in sji, but it's not without the hard work of those around me. it's the love for the skool that has driven me, and for you to say i have disgraced the skool would be demeaning to me. oh, so its me being ungentlemanly. well, from the way you put it, it seems that your idea of an ideal josephian is one that revolves around someone that gets all the girls or sumthn. i believe it's more than just that. so quit the talk abt gentlemen. i have morals. i know what to stand up for, who to stand up for and who not to. i mean, i stood up for daryl, firstly cos he's a fren, secondly cos i feel he's being dealt injustice. so dun tell me im 'someone who won't stand up for you when you are bullied, someone who will just coward away when you have trouble, someone who is more concern about his own image than your reputation". if i had so much reputation to lose, i wouldnt even be bloggin abt this.

oh, and erm, abt this: "Ancherle made the right choice to go for another guy who at least looks decent and gentleman to me." well, i dun tink ancherle and i ever started out. lol. (no offence to ancherle here). i mean, my reply when she told me she liked me was "see how", i guess she misintepreted it as "try and see how". that wasnt wad i meant. i didnt wanna give a straight 'no', so i decided to soften her fall by saying "see how". perhaps a bad move, perhaps her bad interpretation. wadeva it is, it's over. lol. blame me for not having the heart to say 'no' to her in her face yah?

oh erm. abt reputation. i hear you've been going around spreading rumours. i never knew wen xiang raped girls. wtf dude. lol. nice try vince, but perhaps if u wanna spoil a person's reputation, try using a more believable rumour? (u might wanna take that down)

gd luck with canoeing, im sure u'll get a well-built body and punch my face in. i just felt compelled to blog abt all the above. i hope i hafnt offended anyone i didnt intend to offend. (=

2006-04-30T11:11:00.000+08:00

i found this on rosel's blog, and my goodness no words can express how touched i am! here goes (i tink i copied this line from amelia's blog. lol.) -

SURE ITS LAME. But that's what Zixiang is! Don't ever forget that he's one of the 3 founders of SOUL ! (:

While my reasons for why you should vote for Zixiang aren't exactly the same as his reasons (as reflected in the above image), the conclusion remains that you should vote for Zixiang.
Zixiang and I actually didn't talk much to each other at the beginning of 1T07 (pae) even though he was sitting behind me. I thought he really hated me. It turned out later on that he also thought I hated him. (Hmm....) So when I found out that he didn't exactly hate me and was sure that I didn't hate him, I started talking to him during Chinese. Okay his Chinese really cannot make it sometimes, but its not like he's running for CJ Council Chinese Wing or something like that so it doesn't matter if his Chinese isn't that good.

I feel that Zixiang will make a good Councillor because he can get his point across honestly yet tactfully (because he's good with words). And he's matured enough to say the right thing at the right time. Being strong in English literature (...this is starting to sound like a testimonial!), he's able to read between the lines and is sensitive to people (and words).

In Roy's words, Zixiang is someone you can turn to for advice. For severe, serious and mind-boggling events, you can trust him to keep his cool and do the best thing possible for the situation. I've seen that happen and I trust my judgement. You, too, should trust my judgement because here I'm not going based on looks (Erm yeah... Zixiang doesn't happen to be my eye candy.) and I'm looking at strength in character and maturity in thought and actions.

I'm not best friends or even close friends with Zixiang, and I'm doing this because 1) he asked me to, 2) he was my classmate for first intake and we got along pretty well, 3) he makes me laugh and I think it'll be good if he can spread the happiness (through humour) throughout CJC, and 4) I really think he'll make a good councillor.

So VOTE ZIXIANG, and you will not regret it.